Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Batman #113 - Part Two

The second story is tantalizingly titled “Batman Meets Fatman,” the latter being a morbidly obese circus clown in an oversized, lop-eared Batman costume. You know, Superman used to have to have to contend with the misadventures of a hock-faced professional wrestler called “Ugly Superman.” I imagine Wonder Woman must have, once or twice in her career, endured the company of “Back Full Of Zits Wonder Woman” or “Princess Moustache.”

"Only a man with no class would collide with my ass!"

Fatman is apparently some sort of comedic genius – I consider him to be the Richard Pryor of dressing up like a rubber ferret and falling on his ass accompanied with “parp” sounds – but is additionally a frustrated would-be crimefighter. He even goes so far as – after admitting as much to his idol Batman - breaking into a face full of open, sloppy, snotty tears, a nervous breakdown which earns him a complimentary ride in the Batmobile, rather than the energetic bat-smack in the head I’d anticipated.

Anyway, we only have eight goddamn pages for this one, and the less time spent with Fatman the better, most likely. I honestly have to say this – listen, I am not a thin man. I am a large man. I broke an airplane once. And even with the howling spirits of a thousand pulled pork sandwiches condemning me from the perches of my gut and thighs, I still feel comfortable saying this to Fatman: Lose some fucking weight and join the police academy, blubber-ass.

"Climb a flight of stairs without getting chest pains. Walk away from an all-you-can-eat buffet ..."

Batman and Robin ultimately find themselves captured by a trio of petty thugs, which probably eroded the Joker’s self-confidence with sudden profoundness. Seriously, no piranha-filled tank, no buzzsaw with a big smile painted on it. I think they actually left a trail of candy corn leading under a showbox with a stick propping it up, or a rat trap with peanut butter and a piece of tinfoil on it.

When Robin leaves the Batmobile this time, he's going to have the entire
passenger side door panel imprinted on the right side of his torso.

Whatever the case (specifically, the case of Batman and Robin apparently not being very good at their jobs), Fatman comes to the rescue by distracting the crooks with his comical (citation needed) clown act, all falling on an oversized Batarang and using his flabby gut as a bludgeon. 

You know. High brow shit.

The end result is Fatman satisfying his his aspirations towards crime-fighting and coming to terms with being just the best darndest clown he can be, and Batman getting a huge pain in the ass off his hands for a while. He’s got enough comedy sidekickism to deal with as far as that fucking dog in the mask and Bat-Mite …

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