Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Hostess Heroes - It's for the Birds!

Batman and Robin - Birds of a Feather
Man, if I've heard that once, I've heard it a thousand times, "Batman and Robin, why, those two? They're birds of a feather. Bats of a feather. Birds and Bats of Feathers, I guess." If bats had feathers, that is. This gets kind of confusing, I guess is where I'm going with this, even if I understand their meaning.

So, in this abbreviated battle against the forces of badness, Batman and Robin find themselves in the perfect scenario wherein to reuse some of their most familiar Penguin-related puns - "Oh, you FOWL fiend! Haha, I love that one, let's say it a couple more times, kay Robin?"

The Dynamic Duo are up, this time, against Pigeon Woman (that's "Pigeon Person" evidently, although I think we can all agree that this isn't an individual who should be trusted to provide her own sinister sobriquet. Pigeon Person is only slightly worse than Pigeon Woman, which is only slightly worse than merely The Pigeon. Seriously, a little imagination goes a long way - put on a South American headdress and call yourself The Inca Dove, lady, or get some red feathers and call yourself Bloodwing, or the White Talon, or ... come on lady, do I have to do all your work for you? Do you want me to steal Mount Rushmore for you with my army of birds? Is that what it will take?)

Anyway, Pigyn Womyn's great plan is to steal every statue in the United States, thereby creating acre upon acre of a guilt-free, luxurious pooping field for herself and her feathered friends, and also to rob America of its sense of history. Haha, joke's on you Ms.Pigeon, Americans have no sense of history! You may as well try to steal our sense of geography, our superb physical health or our love of high refinement. Hey, steal our good taste, I dare you - and we'll stop you with Hostess Cup Cakes, thereby proving you can't steal what we ain't got!

Hawkman in She's No Angel!
No, she's clearly not, nor were we ever led to believe she might be, so I guess the joke's on us.

In this'un, the Winged Wonder must protect a statute of a golden raven from the greedy clutches of a villainess who calls herself ... The Golden Raven. All things being equal, and with the history of this kind of thing which perpetutates itself through the comic book universe, it seems to me that they should have anticipated that a golden raven might attract the attention of someone who actually themes themselves after golden ravens. Other villains tempted to steal this statue include Idol-Thief, Statue-Man, and Aviary Al, The Evil Bird Enthusiast.

So, the golden raven (the one being targeted for theft) is being targeted for theft by The Golden Raven (the one targeting the golden raven for theft) is, according to Hawkman, really adding a touch of class to Ravenswood Square. Three exclamation marks (count 'em yourselves). Whatever other fallacies and buh-whats populate these Hostess ads, Hawkman's pretty much spot-on about this: Ravenswood Square used to be a fuckin' hole. Crack heads, prostitutes, porno theaters and bums taking dumps in the bushes at the roundabout. No joke, one time I was at Ravenswood Square, and I saw a drunk guy urinating in a water fountain, and there was a mounted cop right there but he totally just kept walking by. Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough, there was also a Johnny Rocket's on one side of the Square and a Forever 21 on the other. Trashy.

Spider-Man in Legal Eagle
Okay. There's a lot going on in this one, so bear with - Spider-Man and Mary Jane are taking a moonlit stroll around the nation's capitol, when they spy the monstruous eagle (read: Griffin) body of Ralph G.Fake, the Legal Eagle, a "criminal lawyer" who is intent on taking over the country by way of literally smashing the places where all of our government officials sit.

You have to love any story which is entirely predicated on a deliberate misreading of the phrase "criminal lawyer" to mean, rather than a lawyer skilled in the handling of criminal cases, a lawyer who is actually a criminal. Like he'd actually be practicing law, only he'd be doing it evilly. Attorneys would be telling their clients "I think you should feel confident that we have this case sewn up, we have some really tight evidence and ... oh no, the defendant has hired Ralph G.Fake, the CRIMINAL LAWYER!" And his client would respond "Is that bad?", and the attorney would explain "Fake is a brilliant legal mind with an unorthodox style of legal manuevering, and a number of amazing victories under his belt, but also because he's a criminal he is allowed to murder you." He's totally like an evil baker or possibly a construction worker whose gaze can kill, like, why would you even let that happen.
Anyway, chief of all the wonderments of Legal Eagle, the criminal lawyer, is that Spider-Man basically credits the Eagle's defeat and related love of Hostess cupcakes to the fact that he's evil. No wonder you love cupcakes, says Spider-man, because you've also raped a ton of people and killed the president. That's exactly the kind of person who loves Hostess Cup Cakes...

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