Monday, June 22, 2009

Hostess Heroes Versus Fi-i-i-i-i-i-ine Bitches Part 1

One of the many things which makes little or no sense about the world of superheroes is that so many of them are so goddamn good-looking. If you think about it, most superheroes are driven to their individual crusades by horrible injustices delivered upon them, and most super-villains are driven by a lust to possess the kind of power, respect and authority which have been denied them for every day of their lives.

And yet, they all look like Hollywood superstars, all chiseled bodies and fine, proud features, long luxurious hair, ginormous tits, taut asses. Research - and all social interaction everywhere since the beginning of time - have shown that handsome and pretty people get any number of advantages in life. For one thing, they pull tail like mad. For another, they actually do better in business and academia. And for another thing, fuck handsome and pretty people is what.

Anyway, in a world where the posterboy for schmuckdom, Peter Parker, pulls the Black Cat, Mary Jane Watson, Gwen Stacy, Kitty Pryde and heaven knows who else, it's a world where the hot ones clearly like-a the spandex. So, with that in mind, let's check in with the fi-i-i-i-i-i-ine bitches making trouble for superheroes in the world of Hostess Fruit Pies and Cupcake Snacks ...

Batgirl in "Fruit Pies for Magpies"
There's probably also one called "Cupcakes for Hoop Snakes", and possibly another one called "Ding-Dongs for King Kong", although oddly, nothing for "Chocodiles." Nothing rhymes, I guess.

Anyway, Barbara "Batgirl" Gordon - Gotham Gal and fi-i-i-i-i-i-ine bitch her-own-self - tackles the tricky problem of eating disorders and the social pressures on young women to remain thin and attractive in an increasingly commercialized world. Here, much as Liv Tyler had to do for the Lord of the Rings movies, three female pickpockets "starve themselves for days" to resemble singing and dancing sensations "The Magpies", all as part of a convoluted pickpocketing scheme. Exactly what kind of dancing these ladies are doing wherein the clientele aren't particularly shocked to find them snaking their felonious fingers into their pants pockets and money belts is up for interpretation, but my suggestion is "jazz fusion". Also, there's a side-point in this paragraph, which is that I believe Liv Tyler might be a pickpocket.

Not resolved in the course of this one-page predicament is what exactly happened to the original Magpies. Brutally murdered, every one of them. I can say that with confidence because this is DC Comics, and that's what happens to third-string villains and women alike in DC Comics. Also, I think I saw them cover the case in Law and Order: Hostess Fruit Pies.

Spider-Man Meets June Jitsui
No part of me knows in any capacity what "Jitsui" means, although I'll assume it's Japanese for "longs for fluffy creamed filling."

And speaking of longing for fluffy creamed filling, our antagonist June ambushes Spider-Man on his way home from the Delicatessan (Protip, Spidey - Why don't you just go down to the deli dressed as Peter Parker? Also, if you're going to go as Spider-Man, don't walk home). So, Spidey lives in New York city, and the only thing he uses the deli for is to grab Twinkies? Sucker. That's what the bodega is for.

Anyway, Spider-Man finds himself in a punching predicament and a kicking catastrophe, forgetting that he is super-strong, nimble, and has webs that he can totally fire at people from very far away so he doesn't actually have to fight someone if he doesn't want to. Not that advertising is special in this regard, but a lot of super-hero adventures seem predicated on them being a bit thick.

Still, Spidey gives voice to an age-old dilemma: "If I could keep her hands busy, I could take care of her feet ... before they take care of me." Oh, if I had a delicious golden sponge cake for every time I found myself in that situation. Still, Spidey has one heck of an innovative solution: Tie her up and make her eat junk food. Someone google that for me, it's gotta be a saleable fetish somewhere.

BatMan and Sable Lady
Whups, sorry Robin, you've been cast aside.

You know how Catwoman and Cheetah have that really irritating verbal fetish where they keep saying cat things? Like, "What a purrr-fect caper" or "I'm a furrrrr-vent admirer" or "Finally, I've got Batman by the hairrrrr-balls" and so on? Well, this adventure's villain - The Mink Marauder, a.k.a. Sable Lady, a.k.a. Fanny Fur-Snatcher - is apparently fur coat themed, and she can't think of a single goddamn fur-related pun. This is why she never made the big leagues, all she does is stretch out the "v" in "love" everytime she says it, and frankly she's just saying that she loves furs for her own benefit at this point.

Robin totally gets two off on her before she even thinks to admit that she's been "outfoxed". Also, it turns out that she's much more into Hostess Cupcakes than she is furs anyway, so frankly what we have here is a fi-i-i-i-i-i-ine bitch of a supervillainess who was a little too hasty in picking her modus operandi.

Spider-Man and Madam Web
You may remember that Spider-Man's comics had another Madam(e) Web in them, a blind old lady in a skin-tight red vinyl evening gown. Because Spider-Man was a horror comic back then, I guess.

Your humble editor is ending on this note because this Madam Web is probably the fi-i-i-i-i-i-inest of the fi-i-i-i-i-i-ine bitches harassing our Hostess Heroes this installment. This is kind of what I don't get about Spider-Man ... I mean, if Peter Parker is such a loser and a schmuck, why does he get hot pieces of orange slice like Madam Web thrown his way? And Black Cat? And Mary Jane Watson, and Gwen Stacy? You know how sometimes people say that Spider-Man's persistence and popularity is owing to how relatable he is? I'm having a hard time relating to that.
So anyway hey, Madam Web has been besmirching Spider-Man's relatively good name by somehow covering the entire harbor in Spider-Man-like webbing (What's it anchored to, beneath the waterline, anyway?) in retaliation for Spider-Man spurning her advances. Becalmed by the promise of Hostess Twinkies, Madam Web frees the harbor from her insidious webs, and is promptly denied her Twinkies and arrested. I think Spidey set himself up, there, next time around she's going to cook up some terrible revenge scheme to destroy the good names of Spider-Man AND Twinkie the Kid!

1 comment:

BillyWitchDoctor said...

"I can say that with confidence because this is DC Comics, and that's what happens to third-string villains and women alike in DC Comics."

THANK YOU. (But don't forget new heroes that don't immediately take off!) Has Wonder Woman been gangraped by Arkham inmates yet? I think that was the last thing on the editorial board's checklist when I stopped reading entirely, right under "flay Icemadien alive and conscious and screaming (remind artist to keep semen off of artwork)" and "completely and irrevocably ruin the Shazam! franchize." (Sadly, the casual "mass slaughter for laughs or titillation" aspect is really starting to become a sore point in Marvel books as well, and not just Punisher or Deadpool titles.)

Panel two of "Sable Lady" features one sentence with three exclamation points and another with six question marks. Oh, I'd love to see Superman-Prime go to town on THAT letterer's neck.

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