Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hostess Heroes Versus Fi-i-i-i-i-i-ine Bitches Part 2

The Flash in "The Stony-Eyed Medusa"
If this were truly the Flash in The Stony-Eyed Medusa, then this would be a who-o-o-o-ole different kind of comic. Anyway, that reminds me, Stony-Eyed Medusa ... whatever happened to Tone Loc?

So, in this one, the Flash goes up against a goth chick, or possibly it's Stacey London from "What Not To Wear" (she's everywhere these days, including inexplicably in a commercial for hair care products. They appear to have not noticed that her hair maintains the apparent texture of a horse tail, unless perhaps they do know that and it's the big look for next season or something. Anyway). Personally, were I the Flash, I wouldn't be too concerned about this villainess for a pair of reasons; the first being that the caption chooses to sarcastically air-quote its description of her powers. "Oh, she 'turns people to stone' with her 'stare', oooh, how scary!"

The other reason is that her henchmen are scared of streaks of light. "Fucking shit," one of them yells while soiling himself, "There appears to be some light heading in our direction! For fuck's sake, take your cyanide pills, men! Oh Jesus save me!"

Naturally, The Flash distracts the Stony-Eyed Medusa with a Hostess Fruit Pie, but also doesn't basically seem to give two damns about her in the long run because he just leaves her tied up and then runs the fuck outta town. The Flash! Busy man! Got no time to tie up the hands of or blindfold a woman who can turn you to stone with a glance! Places to be!


Batman in Hearts of Darkness
Take a look at that title and tell me that it doesn't represent what would clearly be the greatest Elseworlds of all time. Marlowe Grayson is hired to ferry ivory down the Gotham Congo, and in doing so retrieves the grandiose but enigmatic Kurtz Wayne from his isolation in the deepest part of the Arkham jungle. Um. And also there's a bat and The Joker somehow. C'mon DC, sign me up, it's no dumber than Superman/Tarzan!

Batman and Robin, this time around, face a quartet of lady thieves who call themselves "The Midnight Ladies" (ooooh, sexy) and make a criminal career out of stealing, as says one Gotham City Cop, "anything dark and valuable." Will Smith better watch his ass, oooooooh.
So, the Midnight Ladies start their career but one-upping that weak Sable Lady from Monday, stealing a batch of furs and leaving behind an oversized Valentine as a calling card. They may have it all over Sable Lady in execution, but they don't seem to be much better at theming their escapades.

Naturally, Batman captures them with Hostess Cupcakes, which is indeed dark and certainly valuable, I guess, in the sense that, like, in the economy or pre-World War II Germany, the cost of a single Hostess cupcake would have been something like eight thousand deutschmarks. Batman goes on to say that good taste sometimes proves to be a fatal flaw, which I guess rules out anyone who dresses like a blue-and-gray rubber ferret. He'll live forever!

Batgirl in A Matter of Good Taste
And speaking of good taste, Batgirl tangles with an extravagant jewel thief named Jet-Set Jessie, who basically looks like Mrs.Roper bedazzled Elvis Presley's pajamas.

Much in the vein of Spider-Man trying to occupy June Jitsui's hands so he could deal with her feet, Jet Set Jessie argues that she can get her hands on Batgirl's feet before she gets it on the chin. This all sounds like a very complexly organized Greco-Roman Wrestling bout. I'd like to see the rulebook, but I suspect it's written in Bat-speak and smeared with Hostess Fruit Pie smudges.

In the end, Batgirl triumphs the way all good triumphs in this world - by throwing cake at someone - and dashes off with Jessie tied to the back of her batcycle. A strange, confessional kind of air overcomes the duo, as Batgirl begins to lament her childhood poverty. "I had no jewels or silver to distract you with," she says, wiping away a tear, "I shared a bat-bed with my five bat-sisters, we were so bat-poor when I was growing up. I wore a hand-me-down bat-dress to my first day of school, and it was so old and damaged that it was more bat-patches than the original bat-fabric." Sad stories of bat-poverty, here.


The Human Torch in Blown About
Honestly, it sounds more like Johnny's secret sex video was finally released.

Hell, I'm almost not even kidding, because at the end of this bizarre caper - a villainess wielding a super-sized blowdryer threatens a garden party of rich fat people, and the Human Torch saves the day by throwing the rich people's supply of Hostess Cup Cakes at her - Johnny Storm ends up hitting on her! He's all making moves on her as he hauls her away to ... jail? I guess? It's not really clear.

Also, we never actually learn this villainess' name (which is a departure from how it usually works. Typically, the heroes jump in and start talking about the criminal like they've been at odds for years). Then again, I bet Johnny didn't get her name either, if you believe how Mark Millar writes him ...

2 comments:

Al Bruno III said...

These little trips down Hoestess fruit pie line made me smile and cringe with nostalga.

Do you think any of these villians could be updated and made 'edgy'?

They Call Me Calamity said...

Well, Al, you have just given me a project for the rest of the Summer, or possibly the next big internet meme...

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