 |
| Oh my god, yes, many. |
It’s a real testament to how fundamentally boring a
character the Red Tornado is that DC Comics has made zee-ro efforts to integrate him into their new universe (most
recently referred to, according to this internal memo I’ve secured from their
California offices, as “The NuEW DDDCCCC5IFTY2U2XXX CODE RED EXTREME
BLACK BLIZZARD GRAPE FLAVOR” and then what appears to be a drawing of a lightning
bolt throwing the horns as it fellates a behelmeted gecko doing sick ollies on
a skateboard made of a boner. TM DC Entertainment 2013).
 |
| Penis. |
Then again, what do you do with a Red Tornado? The robotic
rendition of this Golden Age comedy character is currently celebrating more
than fifty years of failing to connect with readers on any substantive level.
He’s as laughably uninteresting as Aquaman, but lacks the high visibility. His
basic lack-of-personality is so literally programmed into his character that
he’s practically the only superhero to have guest-starred on the recent
Batman:Brave and the Bold cartoon and not
develop a vocal following.
Heck, you can’t even Geoff Johnsify the guy by flushing his
current incarnation and relaunching him as his more-popular Silver Age persona
because the Red Tornado has never been popular in the first place. Some guys,
even a bomber jacket and a dead mom aren’t gonna do him any favors.
Consider what they’ve tried with him so far …
V1.0 – By This Twirling Priapism Betrayed!
Tornado debuted in Justice League of America #64, September
1968, decked out in a red-and-purple ensemble that resembled nothing less than
an alarming tumescence. Between the bloody-and-ruddy palette and his
robotically slick, nearly-featureless form, Red Tornado truly looked like the
kind of erection the television commercials tell you ought to be brought to a
doctor’s attention if they last more than four hours. I got like five more of
these dick jokes, but let’s leave it at this: He looked like Charles Bukowski’s cock.
 |
| Remove the penis mask and there's another penis. |
The Tornado was the invention of brilliant super-villain
T.O.Morrow (known in Mexican reprints as “M.A. Ñana”), acting on the advice of
an eerily prescient super-computer which advocated building an eager but
incompetent super-android as the shortest step to a successful super-crime
wave, or at least victory in key states like Ohio and Florida. To the
super-computer’s credit, it basically works – Red Tornado invites himself to
veteran super-team The Justice Society’s weekly clambake and, using his amazing
power of “Not being very good at anything” manages to accidentally kill every
member of the team. He drops Black Canary to her death, fatally slaps Starman
with a tornado-based pimphand, hides the Flash’s heart pills, tricks the Atom
into eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke – it’s a slaughter!
The Red Tornado’s
awesome powers of incompetence continue to kill and revive the super-heroes of
two worlds until the random flipping of binary switches results in the villain
being defeated and at least no one the readers cared about still being dead. A
win, a big win for justice!
To be continued...
Red Tornado : even Primal Force won't invite him to their class reunions.
ReplyDeleteRed Tornado : even Geoff "ram every tenuously-connected JSAer down the audience's throat" Johns wouldn't use him in JSA.
Red Tornado : still has fewer fans than the hefty woman wearing a pot.
What do you do with a Red Tornado?
ReplyDeleteEar-lie in the morning!
Dress her in a stockpot, and call it a costume
Ear-lie in the morning!
Put her in the fight, and Al Pratt will seem effective
Ear-lie in the morning!
-Excerpt from one of Earth-Two's most well known sea shanties