Saturday, June 1, 2013

SUPERBOY in "Don't Call Me Superboy!" (Oops, sorry)

As part of the 30 Days project, I’ll be reviving Gone&Forgotten for a short article every day throughout the month. Your Humble Editor starts off today with a story of super-sexual assault from those halcyon pre-Crisis days back before anyone apparently knew that women had feelings or basic human rights, it’s…

Pictured: Ape-Man, Space Ship. Not pictured: About
eight charges of aggravated sexual assault in the second degree
and one of facilitation (Big ups to Law and Order:SVU)
This particular story - published in February, so I imagine it’s the Valentine’s Day all-romance/forced sexual slavery issue – has been covered by a few other blogs before this one, so I’ll only give you the short version.

Back in the day, Superboy was occasionally put to annoying, meaningless tests by his “Super-Teacher from Krypton”, an android built by Superboy’s biological father and then shot into space because apparently that’s the best way to get things to Earth. Colored like a Christmas tree or a bloody mower accident on fresh-laid turf, the Super-Teacher would occasionally show up and tell Superboy to do things like “Fly into that volcano” or “Eat this radium” and then tut disapprovingly with his stupid face like a Japanese robot Garfield realizing at the moment of orgasm that he forgot to pick his cousin up at the airport. 

The expression of maudlin, fey disdain
which resembles a smug wastebin realizing mid-
blowjob that he gave the hooker a fifty instead
of a twenty and he'll probably never convince
her to give him change.
In this issue, Super-Teacher shows up and, in short order:
  • Abducts a teenage girl from a nearby town
  • Gives her the alien equivalent of a roofie, robbing her of her memory
  • Gives her the alien equivalent to a different kind of roofie which, instead of removing her memory, gives her a whole completely other memory and personality and turns her into Superboy’s perfect romantic match, which I guess isn’t any kind of roofie, sorry I brought it up this way. Send me a stamped, self-addressed postcard and I’ll send you back a more appropriate simile in 6-8 weeks
  • Terrifies a sasquatch into snuffing the girl with a rock (and who am I to judge?)
  • Ends up in jail, or ought to
Of course, in the middle of all of this, Superboy lost his virginity to this girl – this brainwashed, abducted girl, robbed of consent, big ups to the ever-vigilant folks over at the Comics Code Authority! 

Super-Teacher eventually revives the girl – she wasn't dead, just intentionally violently assaulted by a super-strong man-ape under the Super-Teacher’s control, NO HARM NO FOUL – returns her original memory, wipes out a little more memory so she doesn't remember that some robot with a face like a melancholy fart kidnapped her and pimped her out to the Boy of Steel, and then pretty much lets her wander off into a cornfield. Maybe she’ll find her way home, maybe not, what is he, some kind of Super-Make Sure That Brain-Damaged Girl Gets Home Okay Guy? No, he’s a super-TEACHER.

Oh yeah, and if all the brain-washing didn't give her brain damage, there was also a rock.
After all that and a cursory “good job, you”, Super-Teacher fucks off with a “You’ll never see me again!” Damned right we won’t, he’s probably under a warrant for felony sexual assault in eighty-eight countries. He’s gonna spend his days playing grabass at Roman Polanski’s place.

It’s a story with horrible implications, but it also goes a pretty long way towards explaining why Superman is always so trepidatious about committing to a relationship with Lana or Lois or any of his love interests – he never knows when it’s gonna end up to be Super-Teacher with a pop quiz and Lois turns out to be a gender-reassigned Colombian boy who’s been missing since 1978. It also explains why Superman ended up in porn in that one John Byrne story...


Robert Ingrao said...


Asa said...

It seems like a nanny-bot designed to breed serial killers.

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