Thursday, January 9, 2014


It's a werewolf named Twilight, I just want you to know that I saw it and didn't make the jokes.

Marine Sergeant and former private detective Terry Gardener is assigned to bodyguard the visiting Slovic minister, but when a fortune teller is murdered by enemy agents, the victim’s pet parrot leads Terry into a costume shop where he encounters a fuzzy union suit with his name on it. Yes, it’s the same old story you've heard a hundred times, the oldest tale in the book, they should have been embarrassed to haul its dusty bones out of the corner for even one last hurrah.

You're going to spend your furlough in a mailbox?
Outside of his honed physical acumen, keen sleuthing skills and footed pajamas, “Twilight” possesses no notable super-powers. He continues to be aided, however, by the parrot “Snoopy”, who turns out to be one of those comic book parrots which can apparently understand English and reply in fully-formed sentences. If you ask him “Polly want a cracker?” you’re just as likely to hear by way of reply “Gosh, I’d love one, seriously, but I've been on a gluten-free thing lately? Like, my yoga teacher, Kelly, she says that she stopped eating gluten and her myopia disappeared? So I don’t know, plus I've been putting on a little pudge around the middle, you know, nothing serious but the holidays are coming up and I’m supposed to go to Troy’s place to meet his parents and, oh, you know what? One cracker won’t kill me. Okay, sure, I’d love a cracker, thanks, oh gosh, I guess I’m hitting the gym tomorrow!” as “Caw.”

The biggest question in regards to Twilight is: What is he supposed to be dressed as? With his brown fur, pointed ears, weird vestigial wings on the arms and luxurious flowing hair, he looks as much like a wig-wearing monkey or a crossdressing chupacabra as a mysterious avenger of the night. Is he a hesher werewolf? A willow-thin, glam-rock sasquatch? A sugar glider in the throes of a mid-life crisis? Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

I dunno, but you definitely pulled one over on your tailor.

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