Thursday, February 13, 2014


For the week leading up to Valentine's Day, Your Humble Editor will be presenting a selection of Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen's romantic gal pals. Today, we meet ...
This has GOT to be treason or something.

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen No.69 (June 1963) – Jimmy Olsen’s Viking Sweetheart
It must be interesting to have a fan club, think of all the ways they celebrate your life and accomplishments – arranging scrapbooks and photo albums, organizing events, building robot Viking maidens for you to fuck. It’s like being a king!

Jimmy takes his fan club on an ill-fated ski trip which is derailed by our red-headed hero hound-dogging after a disinterested Lucy Lane instead of hanging with his devoted pals. Not soon after ditching his entourage, Jimmy finds a red-headed Viking maiden trapped in the snow, and in short order begins a whirlwind romance with the flame-haired Holga. Holga, say it slow and it’s like a chimney fire choking itself out.

Unfortunately for fans of keeping their lunches down, Holga turns out to be a sophisticated robot – why, her control panel has a viewscreen and NINE settings, including “activate”! – under the control of Jimmy’s fan club. Ostensibly they’re trying to shore up his confidence and stick it to Lucy Lane and not use the recorder feature to create a Jimmy Olsen sextape … or so I assume. I don’t know how deep their fandom runs.

The Olsen/Holga relationship goes all the way to engagement and then to the next step any young couple takes immediately thereafter, meeting Jackie Onassis. I think Jimmy’s fan club may have crossed over from merely horrifying to actually violating federal law in some fashion. Do you think they were at all panicking when Jimmy proposed? “This is getting way out of hand, Alan” “Shut up Dennis, I’m fixing it, I can fix this!” It’s like the Breaking Bad of using robot Vikings to seduce your journalistic hero.

In the end, Lucy stumbles across the control panel and viewscreen and, furious that she’d been thrown over for a robot – you and Jennifer Aniston, sister -  Lucy hits the second most baffling button on the panel, “Treat Jimmy coldly”. Why do they even have that button? Worse yet, what does the one labeled “Act independently” do? Let’s not give robots too much power, kids, that’s how we get Terminators.

Why even HAVE this button??

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen No.73 (December 1963) – Jimmy’s Inter-Dimensional Romance
Jimmy’s got good luck with women from other realms and dimensions finding him so attractive that they have to cross immeasurable distances just to be with him. Welp, that luck’s about to change!

This is fucked up.
Trying his hand at sculpting – like he doesn’t have enough to keep him occupied – Jimmy’s finds himself to compelled to carve a particular likeness which, the following dawn, becomes a living woman named Rona, from the 7th Dimension! Even more shockingly, she claims to have been trapped in that marble block, and good lord how did Jimmy Olsen afford a marble block? Cub reporter’s salaries must be immense.

Rona falls for her savior, creating for him with her mental powers a chemical he can drink (always with drinking chemicals, this guy) which gives him a Superman physique. In fact, mentally creating chemical drinks out of thin air isn’t only how Four Loko does it, it’s Rona’s stock in trade, because it turns out – SHE’S A HORRIBLE MURDERER! With a dozen husbands poisoned and turned into statues (I don’t know how that works) behind her, Jimmy was set to become number thirteen! And still, compared to a life with Lucy Lane, how bad would it be?

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen No.85 (June 1965) –Love Me, Love My Beast!
Hey, that’s what my tattoo says!

I never had a dream that didn't start like this...
A radio telescope trained on distant space brings saucy Shara of the planet Salan to Earth’s shores, and into Jimmy’s arms. Accompanying the alien ambassador is Gnor, a pancake-faced dung beetle with arms for tits and Robin Williams’ body hair problem, her loyal pet who will not leave her side. Which is handy if you happen to ask yourself “I wonder what Clint Howard would look like in a tangerine poncho covered with pubic hair” because you can just look to the side and go “Oh, right, like that.”

Gnor isn’t merely a persistent pet, of course, he’s a parasitic alien who feeds on the life force of others by way of what is politely described as a “leash” around his neck but which is probably his weird alien genitals. Exhausting Shara’s energy supply, Gnor foists his enervating glottal tubesteak on Jimmy and starts suckin’.

Luckily Superman comes along at the end and causes Gnor to blow up, just straight-up murderin’ that guy, just … just POP, and that’s that. Tsk.

...And I never had one that didn't end like this.

1 comment:

Casanova Frankenstein said...

Thanks for doing what you do.

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