MAD AD MONDAY : THE TIE SO FLY IT'LL MAKE YOU DIE

It's unlikely that the glow-in-the-dark elements of this tie - advertised in several early 1940s Lev A.Gleason comics, among others - is necessarily radium, but the highly radioactive chemical was used abundantly for other luminescent products such as, famously, watch parts, and all sorts of ill-advised medical devices (Enjoy your radium face cream and your vigor-restoring radium-infused athletic strap, folks!). It's doubly unlikely that it would be radium, given wartime shortages of everything excepting, apparently, novelty.

"The doctor says the weird thing about my cancer is how it's manifested
itself as a series of v-shaped tumors along my chest and abdomen."

The glow-in-the-dark tie has the additional benefit of behaving like some sort of general up-riler for otherwise un-riled women, driving them to fits of frantic passion merely by being given glowing instructions in the dark. Imagine wearing this tie on a New York subway in the year of our Lord 2015 AD. You'd have to get NASA to identify who and what exactly followed your kiss-a-torial commands.

Whatever the case, it's the tie that causes delirium tremens in the form of tiny, excitable women clinging to your shirt front, clawing at your apparent good taste.

Bodiless imps are all about the novelty tie. 

Failing that, if you'd like to guarantee that you're getting a good product with a minimum daily recommend amount of straight-up fuckin-kill-you radium involved, how about buying your little one something that'll fire actual honest-to-goodness radium directly into his eyes?

"It glows with a weird light in a dark room." 

I'm embarrassed to say that I wish more products were advertised to me with the promise of watching worlds destroyed before my eyes. I'd buy and use on a daily basis a Jetta packed to the roof with used syringes if they promised me I could watch worlds destroyed before my eyes.