Monday, November 9, 2015


A cross-promotional product courtesy of Dash dog food and the Rignling Bros and Barnum and Bailey Circus. Learn the actual dog-training secrets of a major 1940s era circus, by which they mean they sure hopw you're okay with beating and starving your pets. Let's give it a closer look ... 

The impetus which will drive the consumer to engage with this material must certainly be the tantalizing encouragement to "be the first in your neighborhood to put on real dog shows!" It's true, I wouldn't want to be a johnny-come-lately to the real dog show market, especially not with a buck-toothed simpleton in face paint putting the spurs to me. What am I gonna do, put on one of those FAKE dog shows? I'd be laughed out of town.

The copy only lists two tricks you can teach your dog, but here's a comprehensive list of all thirty-one tricks I'm sure are actually included in the manual:

  1. Somersaulting in the air
  2. Walking on front legs
  3. Jumping over hurdles
  4. Somersaulting over legs
  5. Walking on front hurdles
  6. Hurdling over somersaults
  7. Unaided flight (stage one: hovering)
  8. Unaided flight (starge two: propulsive lateral movement)
  9. Unaided flight (stage three: orbital escape velocity)
  10. Smoking
  11. Complete knowledge of hobo signs
  12. All the tools included in Microsoft Office Suite 2010
  13. Stunt driving
  14. Knowing the names of all the Smurfs and their special reasons for having those names.
  15. Making a perfect creme brulee with caramelized pine nuts
  16. Ninja skills
  17. Radio broadcasting
  18. Doing sweet ollies off the rails at the library
  19. Mixing a not-to-sweet Cosmo
  20. The songs of Don Ho
  21. Doing a spot-on Christopher Walken impression. "Bow. Ah-Wow."
  22. Scratching that spot on your back that can't reach
  23. Folding your socks
  24. Mastering Dim Mak - THE FABLED DEATH TOUCH!
  25. Air conditioner repair
  26. Refrigeration repair
  27. The location of Blackbeard's Gold
  28. Archery
  29. Humanities 101
  30. How to file your taxes
  31. Where the secret dog meetings are being held.
Seems like a fair deal, plus I hear that Dash is DELICIOUS.


John Longenbaugh said...

Best. Tricks. Ever.

neofishboy said...

#32: Now you see it! Now you don't! Making cat poo disappear AS IF BY MAGIC from the litter box!

I mean, I love our Boston/Staffie mix, but DAMN she can be disgusting sometimes.

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