MAD AD MONDAY : 31 TRICKS FOR YOUR DOG!

A cross-promotional product courtesy of Dash dog food and the Rignling Bros and Barnum and Bailey Circus. Learn the actual dog-training secrets of a major 1940s era circus, by which they mean they sure hopw you're okay with beating and starving your pets. Let's give it a closer look ... 

The impetus which will drive the consumer to engage with this material must certainly be the tantalizing encouragement to "be the first in your neighborhood to put on real dog shows!" It's true, I wouldn't want to be a johnny-come-lately to the real dog show market, especially not with a buck-toothed simpleton in face paint putting the spurs to me. What am I gonna do, put on one of those FAKE dog shows? I'd be laughed out of town.

The copy only lists two tricks you can teach your dog, but here's a comprehensive list of all thirty-one tricks I'm sure are actually included in the manual:

1. Somersaulting in the air
2. Walking on front legs
3. Jumping over hurdles
4. Somersaulting over legs
5. Walking on front hurdles
6. Hurdling over somersaults
7. Unaided flight (stage one: hovering)
8. Unaided flight (starge two: propulsive lateral movement)
9. Unaided flight (stage three: orbital escape velocity)
10. Smoking
11. Complete knowledge of hobo signs
12. All the tools included in Microsoft Office Suite 2010
13. Stunt driving
14. Knowing the names of all the Smurfs and their special reasons for having those names.
15. Making a perfect creme brulee with caramelized pine nuts
16. Ninja skills
17. Radio broadcasting
18. Doing sweet ollies off the rails at the library
19. Mixing a not-to-sweet Cosmo
20. The songs of Don Ho
21. Doing a spot-on Christopher Walken impression. "Bow. Ah-Wow."
22. Scratching that spot on your back that can't reach
23. Folding your socks
24. Mastering Dim Mak - THE FABLED DEATH TOUCH!
25. Air conditioner repair
26. Refrigeration repair
27. The location of Blackbeard's Gold
28. Archery
29. Humanities 101
30. How to file your taxes
31. Where the secret dog meetings are being held.

Seems like a fair deal, plus I hear that Dash is DELICIOUS.