Thursday, February 25, 2016


Hold it, these aren't my two favorite heroes. I like meatball marinara and the Subway club.

Superman has adopted more alien babies than Madonna and Angelina Jolie combined, which is a shit joke if ever there were one. Like, I know I was the guy who made it, but I just want you to know that I know how absolutely abysmal it is. "Gosh, celebrities adopted a child, how gross." The worst. Leno hackery, that one. Let's start over.

Yep, he's a real pip.
But it's true. Superman has historically had a predilection for "adopting" (legally or informally) any wandering alien kid who crosses his path. This is everything from exiled Earthboy Johnny Kirk, to an unweeping alien satan child in the Seventies, to two hot teenage blonde imps called the Ogies which is something the law should get involved with investigating. 

Also joining the bottom shelf of the Superman Family is Skyboy who, like most children in superhero comics, plummeted out of the clear blue in a speeding, out-of-control rocket from space, in the pages of World's Finest Comics vol.1 No.92 (Jan-Feb 1953, "The Boy From Outer Space").

While Batman and Superman are performing stunts at an air show -- and, presumably, crime runs rampant in Gotham and Metropolis -- they notice a plummeting, shredded rocketship descending earthwards in the company of the meteor which apparently wrecked it. Inside, they find the form of an unconscious, amnesiac child which, for a certain type of individual who inarguably belongs in jail, is like Christmas in July.

"Such as a single serving or fun-sized planet."
Devoid of memory, the child nonetheless displays super-powers on par with Superman's own. Dubbing the little weirdo "Skyboy," instead of "Roy" or "Kevin" or something like a normal person would do, the Man of Steel unquestioningly adopts the tyke as his kid sidekick. That sort of immediate paternal affiliation speaks volumes as to Superman's character, such as his selfless devotion and sense of sacrifice, and also that the dude is like incredibly lonely is my guess.

Complicating Superman's sudden foster-parent situation is that a number of high-profile copper robberies are happening around town, drawing Batman and Robin to the scenes. Their keen deductive skills nail down two facts: whoever is stealing all the copper has tremendous super-strength, and also they leave their fingerprints behind. Impressions of their fingerprints, I should say, I don't think they were leaving their actual fingerprints. It's not like they worked in a pineapple cannery.

When Batman reluctantly accuses Skyboy of the robberies, it leads to a genuinely touching portrayal of mutual shock and dismay between the two crimefighters and the recently abducted/adopted mighty-moppet. Not believing it could be true, Superman attempts to shock Skyboy's memory back, which is dumb and dangerous buy hey, it was the Fifties.

"It's been a really emotional day."
Neither lightning nor volcanic explosions do much to shake Skyboy out of his amnesia, but Superman threatening to crush him with the same meteorite which caused his amnesia in the first place seems to do the trick. Either it worked or the kid was faking all along and preferred not to get smooshed in the punim by space rocks, because his memory's back!

It turns out that Skyboy is actually Tharn of the planet Kormo, the son of a lawman who inexplicably sent his unsupervised son after three dangerous Kormo criminals as they fled to Earth. The copper-thieving confusion seemed to arise because the criminals in question were after the element - precious on their world - and because everyone on Kormo has identical fingerprints! Just like how all Earthlings have identical wrinkles on their testicles. Don't believe me? Ask a stranger on the bus.

Anyway, Tharn is shipped back to Kormo with the three thieves unconscious in the back of his ship, unescorted and unarmed. Frankly, it seems like Tharn's having a real hard time finding a responsible adult anywhere in this corner of the galaxy. He's going to be a real mess when he grows up.

"Well, you haven't got my panache, kid, but you're all right"

No comments:

Popular Posts