TRULY GONE & FORGOTTEN : THE SCARLET NEMESIS AND BLACK ORCHID

They don't even get their name on the feature.

Rocky Ford and Judy Allen are two characters in search of a sitcom. You can not tell me -- considering contemporary television's limitless fascination with comic book characters and superhero shows -- that this premise wouldn't translate into an easy-to-follow formula.

"Her calling card is that she wrecks things."

Rocky and Judy are, to begin with, private investigators. They maintain a sort of low-chemistry banter which possibly suggests an at-least casual attraction, adjusted for kids' comics audiences. In addition to their day jobs, however, they keep a secret from each other: Rocky is actually the crimefighting Scarlet Nemesis, while Judy is actually the crimebusting Black Orchid.

Not only failing to recognize each other -- despite basically behaving like partners in their superhero spandex roles -- they had apparently previously established a "no-peeking" policy before their adventurers began to be properly cataloged. So when Judy is knocked out during a fight, Scarlet is too polite to look under her mask. No mention is made if he's allowed to look up her skirt, but we'll assume "no" and move on ...

Nemesis sports some sort of miner's light on his helmet, although he only uses it once and then it just disappears from his head at some point. When he does turn it on, however, it doesn't appear to be much more than a regular flashlight, so maybe he ran out of batteries.

It would have been a step too far
to call him "raving"

Judy sports a buncha knives, but she mostly prefers to leave them embedded in stuff. With a black orchid wrapped around the handle, it's all the impetus most crooks need to shout "The sign of the Black Orchid," which is apparently Judy's ego boost. Also I assume she stabs dudes with 'em. Corpses, sprouting black orchids. It's ominous when you think about it.

Their primary menace is one Mister Jim Crow, known to be a real problem for a whole hella lot of people in a lot of different ways. Whatever the historical precedent, however, this Jim Crow is MAD FOR BIRDS. He's paying men to blow up the city so that the pigeons can rule the place. Uh, the pigeons will die once the "dropped hot dog bun" market dries up. Think things through, Jim Crow!

The Orchid and Nemesis make short work of Crow and his hirelings, thanks in no small part to Orchid's predilection for wresting bricks out of chimneys and flat-out throwing them at people. Returning to their dull daily life as private investigators, the pair burn with desire to share their secrets, while never revealing their own. So, like I say, you could get a super-Moonlighting out of this with very little effort. Call me, whatever remains of television in the 21st century.