Wednesday, August 31, 2016


Makes her sound like a county fair shooting gallery prize.

Considering that comic books barely have any women in them at all, it seems like the oddest place to look for romantic advice. But, nonetheless, comics advertisers tried. Capitalizing on the awkwardness of "feelings" and the general dread of fumbling even the most casual relationship, ads promising the secret inner workings of the impenetrable female mind (and heart) were pretty commonplace. 

It's weird that "How to Get Along with Girls" is actually some sort of pick-up manual, when it just makes it sound like you're just arguing with your kid sister about Scrabble rules. 

"I've killed a hundred Nazis but I'm terrified of girls!"

The above ad, seemingly innocuous, capitalizes more on the soldier's fear of civilian infidelity than Tokyo Rose ever managed to do. One hopes it also includes "Ken Burns' Civil War" style descriptions of battlefield chaos and death in order to spice up those "My darling Bernadette, It has been seven years since our Captain has permitted us to drink from the town well, describing it as 'plagued with imps of the inopportune nature to the measure of our vigors.' I miss you and the children who've survived past five. Send bullets and any sort of bread or wine made from weeds, rocks and dirt, as that is all we ate before diners in this country." 

Partial contents:
  • How to "Break the Ice"
  • How to Make Everyday Events Sound Interesting
  • How to Make Your Sweetheart Write More Often
  • How to Express Your Love
  • How to Feel Human Love
  • How to Make (or Break) a Date
  • How to Make (or Break) a Limb
  • How to Acknowledge a Gift
  • How to Acknowledge the Haunting Wrongs You Have Committed in Life Before the Lord, and Seek Salvation
  • How to Say "Those Little Things"
  • "Those Lit-Ull Things"
  • How to Assure Him (or Her) of Your Faithfulness
  • How to Insure That the Tattoo You Get of His (or Her) Name Will Provide You With Maximum Shame When the Relationship Ends
  • How to Propose by Letter
  • How to Propose by Number
  • How to Make a Sandwich (accidentally included)
  • Awwww Suffragette!

1 comment:

neofishboy said...

Well, at least they're less creepy than that "How to talk to a woman wearing headphones" thing that was doing the rounds recently.

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