Friday, April 28, 2017

THE NOWHERE-NEAR COMPLETE GUIDE TO ADVERTISING MASCOT SUPERHEROES: KICK IT!

Footwear has a long and proud history of using superhuman feats to openly lie about the qualities of their product, so it's no surprise that there are more than a few footsie types taking up space in the world of advertising mascot superheroes. Of course, we begin with the classic...


AAU SHUPERSTAR (Intermark)
Here's a weird bunch of words: There's no more famous superhero shoe mascot in the history of comic books than this guy, AAU Shuperstar. Pun-laden and bizarre, the AAU Shuperstar has entered the admittedly more esoteric branches of pop culture aficionado-dom. Not sure what the word is there.

While his foes were blatantly super-powered -- The Dirty Sneaker, Missile-Toe and the Sinister Sole --  AAU Shuperstar seemed to have nothing going for him besides athleticism and a kind of fetishy fascination with stinky feet. Listen, I don't judge, if it makes you happy and no one gets hurt, then mazel tov!


THOM MCAN (Thom McAn)
Not exactly a superhero in the strictest sense of the word (he's an adventure hero, I suppose), but young Thom McAn's Atomic Shoes are capable of amazing feats and, so, he gets at least an affectionate nod. Oh shit, I said "Amazing feats," and I didn't even spell it "feets." You should all buy me something from my Amazon wishlist to reward me for that amount of restraint.

Hero of a number of single-page adventures in golden age comics, Thom was aided by a mute little elf named "H." This sound menacing, and like the signs of schizophrenia. However, "H" was mute because he was illustrating how the "H" in "Thom McAn" was silent, although he failed to explain what happened to all of the other letters in "McAn."



ZEVO-3 (Skechers)
Oh, the charm of Zevo-3 -- a superhero team featuring the very very Nineties-sounding Z-Strap, Kewl Breeze and Elastika -- lies almost exclusively in its inventors' po-faced, wide-eyed denial that they were using children's television to run half-hour long commercials.

The three heroes of the show had all appeared in Skechers ads prior to the program's debut on Nicktoons, obviously with some sort of narrative destiny in mind. When the FCC came down on them, Skechers just threw their arms up and shrugged like "Uh, it's not a half-hour commercial, it's only 22 minutes with ad breaks" and then tried to leave the room without clearing their plates. I genuinely picture the FCC going "Ho-o-o-o-old it right there, mister, nobody leaves the table until we decommission the remaining episodes of the series from the upcoming 2011 season."

2 comments:

John Gallagher said...

Lots of homorotic sub and dom foot fetishism in that AAU SHUPERSATR ad. Oh, that's it... make me suck your sweaty toecap you big blond butch lovegod.

Unknown said...

A few years back I was rereading my old comics and I was amused to realize that AAU Shuperstar was essentially a hero with Golden Age sensibilities being published in Bronze Age books where "heroes" would bend over backwards to save the villains from being fatally hoist on their own petards.

AAU Shuperstar was proactive in stomping out crime unlike those other "heroes" who would put a crook back in prison for the 47th time genuinely believing that "this time" they'll be rehabilitated and become a law-abiding citizen.

;-)

KAM

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