IF YOU SEE SWAMP THING, SAY SWAMP THING : TATIANA

With superhero television programs blowing up in the last few years, recaps of superhero television shows have become all the internet rage. Other sites, however, are hobbled by the need to cover shows which have been "recently broadcast" or which are "any good at all." But who covers the uncoverable? That's why Gone&Forgotten chooses to cover the 1991-1993 USA Network live-action Swamp Thing television series in a feature I used to like to call a dumb pun kind of title, but I've run out of those, so I just call it ...

If You See Swamp Thing, Say Swamp Thing

One of the longest-running teases on the show is finally resolved, more or less. Arcane's nearly deceased wife Tatiana, seen in previous episodes relaxing inside a crisper drawer, manages to come back to life. Or does she? Does she? Let me check my notes, I'll let you know in a second.

The introduction to this episode begins almost sweetly; Arcane and Tatiana, dressed to the Gs, record a toast to Arcane's upcoming scientific success a-a-a-a-and for Anton to propose. Aww. Then they make out and he tries to keep the camera on. Um. Then when she tells him to turn it off, he sneakily turns it back on a little later. I think this might be assault.

Majorly creepy remake of The Bachelor.

This fades into Anton talking with made-for-TV Jack Nicholson impersonator Graham, excited to know that his experiments to return Tatiana (Heather Thomas) to life are about to come to fruition. He activates a laser and does something with freon, as though she's a very futuristic refrigerator. Finally, he starts returning fluids to her, and, well, it worked in the home video, I guess.

The small problem with Tatiana's resurrection is that, uh, it doesn't seem to be Tatiana. She's got a gooey Southern accent, calls herself Josephine Erlenson (also Kitty Lane), and is apparently a bump-and-grind girl at a New Orleans peeler bar called The Kit Kat Club. Her act, briefly shown to the audience, involves her standing almost stock still with her butt to the crowd and a boa covering most of it, shifting from foot to foot like she's waiting for a bus. Maybe it's conceptual.

It's crazy how she was wearing strawberry lip smackers the whole time she was in suspended animation. 

Arcane can't accept this unfortunate reality, so he decides to shoot her in the skull with a laser. Couples counseling could probably have stopped that kind of behavior.

It's all futility anyway, as Graham uncovers that General Sunderland (Jacob Witkin's third role on the show) has been keeping Tatiana alive and in hiding in what appears to be a Radisson suite. Believing Arcane to have been murdered, Tatiana doesn't put much effort into escaping, even though Sunderland is thirsty as hell.

So. Here comes the good part.

ACTION ANTON ARCANE.

After Graham throws a few hundo at Kitty and has her fuck right off before Arcane decides to have her recycled for parts or something,  he and his boss invade Sunderland's office and confront him to his face. This is a birthday present for me, because it's Mark Lindsay Chapman and Jacob Whitman sassing each other back and forth, with Graham lurking in the back like a greasy, malevolent elf. It's almost as fun as a straight Durock/Chapman exchange.

The confrontation ends with Arcane being tearfully reunited with Tatiana. Unfortunately, while she's grateful to be rescued, she's horrified to learn that Arcane was working with Sunderland (just to save her life, mind you, and because he was tricked) and also is additionally horrified to watch him use a UPC scanner to melt the metal pins in Sunderland's legs and spine (that one seems less easy to explain away). This leaves Arcane, Graham and a pissed, disappointed Tatiana to leave a now-exploding building (that's some UPC scanner!) while time yet remains.

"Price check on this knee!"

However ... TIME DOES NOT YET REMAIN! Tatiana is killed in the collapsing building, leading Arcane to seek out the aid of his greatest enemy. After some tearful, cuss-filled pleading, Arcane convinces Swamp Thing to try to bring Tatiana back to life. It does. Not. Work. But it's a good scene between the two principals and adds some humanity at last to Arcane. If he's not going to be a horrible insect person, then he should at least be something of a person.

And the ending? With Tatiana forever dead, Graham tells his boss that Kitty Lane yet lives somewhere (she's shown stripping at another club) , so I guess they're going to go abduct her? Whew, a happy ending at ... a happy ending at last! That's ... that's good. I guess.

Dance for your life, Kitty.