FRIDAY FRENEMIES : THE GIRL ATLAS

You'll be lucky if she doesn't lob you into the ocean, Lois...

The old saw about why Lois Lane and Superman could never marry was that, lacking super-powers, Lois would always be a target for Superman's enemies. I'm glad they eventually got rid of that barrier because it was, objectively, stupid across the board. Still, it made for some lightly comedic stories wherein Lois did get super-powers, and either used them to (a) prove to Superman she was his equal (b) drag Superman's butt out of trouble or (c) sass Clark Kent. Feminism!

Keep doing that and the rabbit might learn to like it.

In this story, however, Lois doesn't get super-powers ... Lana does! By stealing them! From Lois Lane! Oooh, that red-headed fink!

Lois receives a surpise package in the mail, by way of an invulnerable rabbit. I got one of those in a Lootcrate, once. The story behind the rabbit is that it's the proof of a reclusive professor's super-strength serum, which can make anyone who bathes in the liquid as strong as Atlas and invulnerable as Achilles. It's apparently a bath bomb, which is gonna really give an advantage to Lois and Lana when they start freaking out and ripping people's faces off.

The serum evidently does work, as Professor Morris (hi, dad!) puts the rabbit through all kinds of tortures -- he shoots it in the ass, drops a one-ton concrete block on its head, and let's not forget he fucking put him in a cardboard box and mailed him to some stranger across town. Professor Morris should be in jail.

Lois accepts the serum on behalf of Superman, with express instructions to hand it over to Superman for experimentation. Yeah, we've all experimented with serums at some point in our lives or another. For me, it was college.

Girl, that's ketchup.

Nonetheless, Lois considers using the serum herself, in order to become Superman's equal. Unwisely, though, she says as much to Lana Lang who's dropped by unexpectedly because her apartment's being painted. Again. In these Lana-Lois stories, Lana's apartment is being painted about every fifth time. That girl's finicky.

While Lois cleans the dishes, Lana goes and takes a bath. And pours the super-serum into the water. On purpose! You probably guessed that last part.

The serum works a charm and gives Lana her superpowers, which will give her a multitude of opportunities to show off for Superman. She does some strong-girl stunts, carries some red-hot ingots, picks up a marble cornerstone, tows a train and deflects an "atomic bullet" meant for Superman. It's weirdly sedate for one of these stories. In fact, in tales like this, Superman is usually a scold, accusing the women of being silly or short-sighted for forgetting things like their clothes not being invulnerable or doing something so fast that their typewriter or spoon or whatever melts from the friction. This time around, he's really patient with Lana. It's sweet.

But I was gassing on about that as an aside. The serum works fine and Lana does some stunts, but the best thing about her new powers is that Lois gets to try and slap the smug smile right off of her rival's face.

Lois buck-wild on that map.

I'm getting that as a tattoo.

The end of the story is kind of entertaining, knowing that there has to be some reason for Lana to lose her powers. In this case, it's that constant use of her powers has made her muscle-bound, largely thanks to a list of Superman's daily duties which Lana doggedly attended, showing off at every opportunity. She sort of looks like if you put Lana Lang's head on Zangief's body. Superman invents an antidote which takes away her super-muscles and returns her to normal, although you have to imagine that the poor girl is eighty percent stretch marks at this point.

"I am the Red cyclone. I destroy everything."