TRULY GONE&FORGOTTEN : THE RAINBOW

Why are there so many dopes dressed as rainbows?

It is my heartfelt conviction that my man Rainbow cannot detect sarcasm. I cannot imagine any other reason for why "college graduate*" Jim Travis lets himself be encouraged by his sweetheart Elsie Norris into putting on a powerfully ugly costume and launching into a battle for crime armed with nothing except two fists and a pocket-full of mistimed quips.

*Oooh, look who went to college...

"Suitable" how, exactly?

Really putting that college education to good use and reading a shit-ton of comic books at his girlfriend's house, Jim is taken by the sudden fancy to become a costumed crimefighter. "Just supposing a man could fight crime like they do in comic books" he stupidly declares, before upping the ante by adding "I'm going to try it today!"

Any girlfriend who honestly loved and respected her significant other would probably have said, at this point, something sensible and affectionate like "Jim, darling, are you still taking your medication" or "You're drunk and I don't know you, get out of my house." Instead, Elsie employs reverse psychology in order to see her beau murdered on the street like a slow hobo on Purge night. "But you've got to have a costume, " she suggests, before cutting him off at the knees by adding "And you've got to be a he-man." Ooh, Jim, savage burn.

Rather than licking his wounded ego, huge moron Jim Travis goes home and dresses himself up like a Crayola box that's just joined Cirque du Soleil. His rooftop patrol of the city bears almost immediate fruit, but probably only because cities are gross dens of crime where everyone ends up dead in an alley.

"-- well, we don't know, but we're sure it'll be somewhere!"

Witnessing the abduction of a young girl and her even younger brother by the villainous Black Rufus, Jim -- as Rainbow, the Hero Whose Theme Makes No Particular Sense -- proves himself additionally unprepared to fight crime. Lacking any means of getting off the rooftops in a speedy fashion, he makes a blind leap for a conveniently hanging rope. Not a lot of ropes hanging from buildings these days, Jim's got good fortune.

Rainbow confronts Black Rufus in an intentionally darkened scene, rendering his colorful costume thankfully muted. What isn't muted, however, is Jim's limitless attempts at good tough guy lines. He introduces himself with a solid right hook (a good start) and adds "I'm the guy who serves out pots of gold -- The Rainbow!" (ooh, terrible finish). Jim? Leprechauns hand out pots of gold. Rainbows just promise that God won't drown us anymore. Try to incorporate that into the patter.

Rainbow clocks the holy hell out of Black Rufus and leaves him dangling off a cliff. But really, the true victor here is .. uh, Jim, I guess? All I know is Elsie is probably eating serious amounts of crow somewhere, and wondering what other dumb impulses she can convince her boyfriend to follow.

Yeah, graceful as a fucking eagle, that guy.