IF YOU SEE SWAMP THING, SAY SWAMP THING: THE HURTING

March 21, 2018

IF YOU SEE SWAMP THING, SAY SWAMP THING: THE HURTING

With superhero television programs blowing up in the last few years, recaps of superhero television shows have become all the internet rage. Other sites, however, are hobbled by the need to cover shows which have been "recently broadcast" or which are "any good at all." But who covers the uncoverable? That's why Gone&Forgotten chooses to cover the 1991-1993 USA Network live-action Swamp Thing television series in a feature I used to like to call a dumb pun kind of title, but I've run out of those, so I just call it ...

What we have here may end up being the most unintentionally hilarious episode of USA Network's 1990-1993 late-night programming eco-sci-fi stalwart Swamp Thing, and that's saying a lot considering that we've already seen Kevin Nash as a Huge Mayan. No, my friends, not even a heavily-dubbed Terry Funk can match the trick they pulled off on this episode -- they invented a totally pretend recurring character! And then killed her! SHE DIDN'T EVEN GET A LINE!

We open on the interior of the swamp, wherein Swamp Thing is competing for the Gold Medal in "Reassuring pep talks," or possibly the Irish Sweepstakes of overt fibs. I don't know if telling Will that people like him and feel comfortable around him is cruelty or kindness, but it's certainly isn't confirmed by the facts.

"Alec, we've been 'hanging out' a lot lately, and I think it's time we maybe had a talk about where this is going ...?"

Still, Will's tender pleas for comfort being responded to with Swamp Thing's unqualified encouragement is actually pretty touching. I think they're finally letting down all of their emotional barriers. It won't be long now, they're gonna fuck.

(Besides receiving encouragement and pop-sitive reinforcement from Swamp Thing, Will is also expressing a lot of concern for Tressa, who is currently "in a foreign country." Most likely she's hunting for her lost son Jim, ECSEPT JIM IS SAFE they just resolved that storyline. I'm beginning to think that there's no actually comprehensible order in which to watch these things)

Swamp Thing and Will stumble across a fresh corpse in the swamp. To Swamp Thing's horror, it's his dear friend Irma! Irma, his confidante! Irma, his rock in the storm! You know ... Irma! Irma Swanson! We ALL know and love Irma. THEY JUST MADE HER UP.

This is the shot they showed us of Irma having a heart attack. I'm sorry, but it's hilarious.

I wouldn't get upset about this except that they fabricated flashbacks and everything. They filmed scenes just to be inserted into this episode so as to pretend that this character has been around the whole time. It's like if, on the final season of Happy Days, they revealed that there had been a Super-Fonzie that everyone thought was cooler and better, just riding around never being mentioned until now, but always there. It's like if they revealed that the name of the show had been "Happy Days and Their Pal Super-Fonzie!" It's that weird.

Irma's backstory is filled in, eventually, as her having found Alec Holland in the swamp right after his ... accident ... and not only nursing him back to health but also restoring his mental health. Well, that's nice! It's also because Irma herself had a real rum go in terms of mental illness. Hearing Swamp Thing say that Irma "had an emotional breakdown, showing love was hard for her -- even love for her own daughter" is the strangest sound. I thought he was my therapist for a second.

This being said, Kathy has worked up the appropriate emotional state for dealing with Will.

Besides the imaginary gap in the cast which Irma's passing leaves behind, there's also her ungrateful, short-tempered daughter Kathy. Kathy is reeling from her mother's lovelessness, apparently having yet to listen to Swamp Thing's earlier summary.

Adding to her poor tempter is that Will won't leave her alone, hanging around and transparently trying to get into her pants. I mean, he's just being nice, but now that Swamp Thing told Will that obvious lie about how he "makes people feel comfortable," Will has lost all of his personal filters. This will end poorly.

CRIMES!

For instance, Kathy is so wound up with resentment and frustration with Will's cloying presence, she throws a potter plant in the trash. SHE COMMITTED PLANT MURDER! SHE'S GOING TO PLANT JAIL!

The potted plant is Swamp Thing's last straw, so he pulls that MINDFUCK card they've been breaking out a lot this season, and sends Kathy back in time to witness the event that drove her mom crazy. And who's gonna play sock-hoppin' 50's teen Irma? Kathy, of course! Same actress! But to create a contrast between Kathy's sullen visage and her mother, she plays Irma like a fuckin' idiot. Not her fault, I guess. This show.

See, while Kathy is glum, Irma is ecstatic! That's how you know they're different people!

Anyway, Kathy witnesses Irma watching her hunky boyfriend and recent inseminator die in a hot rod race. That's all, I'm not gonna waste your time with the eight-hundred other stupid things that happen in this segment. The other thing is that they keep playing the Swamp Thing theme on a pan flute like they must'a really paid for it.

Oh, wait, I will tell you one other thing about this bit! Kathy's dumb greaser dad wipes out during the race. He's last scene inside the burning wreck of his car, half-buried in the swamp. So. I mean. He's a Swamp Thing now, right? That's how they're made. Swampabilly.

Also, after the funeral, the priest came after Kathy like he was fixing for a tip ...

Anyway, in short, they keep doing these episode where Swamp Thing fixes some stranger's dumb problems and I never understand why we're supposed to care. I mean, this isn't "Ungrateful Off-spr-th-ing," it's SWAMP Thing I'm sorry this, this joke, this is terrible ...