Monday, July 16, 2018


The X-Men and the Micronauts vol.1 No.3
Writer: Bill Mantlo/Chris Claremont
Artist: Butch Guice / Bob Wiacek
Letterer: Joe Rosen
Colorist: Julianna Ferriter
Editor: Bob Budiansky
EIC: Jim Shooter

Mantlo opens up the first 11.5 pages of this story, and if you're wondering how I can tell: The first half of the book is all murder and war, and then in the second half, the Entity tries to fuck Kitty Pryde. I see you, Claremont.

God no.
The Micronauts and X-Men -- all of whom are in the complete mental thrall of The Entity -- attack a dog soldier "kennel" on Homeworld, slaughtering 'em left and right. Kitty in particular exhibits a raving bloodlust, which manifests most ferociously when the surviving dog soldiers surrender and she offers to go kill 'em. This isn't anything we haven't seen in Micronauts before, but Huntarr is thankfully there to keep Kitty Pryde from being depicted as murdering unarmed men.

(Huntarr was previously depicted as the only Micronaut whose previous life had been apolitical and civilian. Every other one of these wonderful dopes come from military worlds or backgrounds, or are in the rebellion by the time we meet them. Huntarr -- whom I still maintain was a sex worker in his pre-snot life -- would reasonably be the only person on a team full of brainwashed spree killers who'd care about keeping blood off of a teenage girl's hands. For the first time, I sort of like Huntarr...)

Best scene in the series.
Whatever the case, it's almost all war until there's a teaching moment. The Entity reiterates his desire that his thralls just do bad things for the sake of it, and that's a whole kettle of of philosophical fish that I can't even begin to unravel. The Entity also provides audio-visual aids, which is to say that he turns Arcturus Rann to dust for talking back. (He'll resurrect him later. He can do that)

Checking in with the body and armor of Baron Karza, recently teleported to Homeworld, we find out that the brain animating the beast is still Kitty Pryde! And, darnit, she's trying her best!

Meanwhile, though, her body is in peril back with The Entity -- he's gonna fuck her! Hi Chris! Hi Mr.Claremont! How come half of the fuck fantasies that make their way into Claremont's X-Men involved tufted chaise longues and ivy-wrapped pillars? And a recessed pool? How wild does this guy fuck?

Since we've established that The Entity is some sort of reverse, evil Professor X identity -- a Cassandra Nova or just a Dark Xavier or something -- can the takeaway be that Professor X does not want to fuck his fourteen year-old charge? Because that's the only answer that I can live with.

While Kitty dodges the bizarro-Prof's dick, the rest of the X-Men and Micronauts are waking up with massive hangovers in the dank dungeons of The Entity's ... collection of set pieces. I don't know where we are, a castle or a planet or something. We're somewhere. 

He does this like once a week.
In any case, everyone wakes up in jail and Wolverine, The Hero Who Still Has Six Knives, does what he always does and tries to solve their problems with six knives. Colossus literally has to physically restrain Wolverine from murdering Storm in her sleep, pointing out that The Entity can revive them at any time anyway. Maybe that wasn't why Wolverine wanted to murder his friends, Colossus! You don't know his heart! With all of that being said, still, you guys should fire Wolverine before he kills you all for nothing.

Back on Earth, a comatose Professor X briefly possesses the mind of pantsless teenager Dani Moonstar, who has been walking around in nothing but a t-shirt for three issues. Does the X-Mansion not have air conditioning? 

Buff and naked, Professor X's astral form just needed to puddle-jump via Dani's entire self, and it makes it so much worse when Xavier apologizes by telling her "Forgive me child, for using you in such a manner." UGH GODDAMNIT CLAREMONT THAT'S WORSE.

He confronts the Entity in astral space, recognizing the armor and giving the readers at home a little footnote to follow if they want to read the adventure when the armor debuted (Uncanny X-Men vol.1 No.117, if you're interested). This is also maybe the fifteenth clue that the Entity is an evil Professor X thing.

Boy, everything wrong with this story in two panels. Convenient.
With his astral form fighting Xavier somewhere, the Entity's physical body is vulnerable, which is probably why Kitty/Karza stabs it with a huge knife and leaves it to die. Hoop! This encourages Entity to engage in a Hail Mary play -- he switches bodies with Xavier! Xavier is still in his coma, with the Entity's mind in his body! Xavier is trapped in the dying Entity's body! And Karza, thinking his foes dead, gets a gun and decides to shoot all the X-Men and Micronauts in the heads. The end.

No, sorry, one more issue to go! Let's see what happens, and also I forgot to mention that all the New Mutants have done for two issues is sit in a living room and give each other updates on whether Professor Xavier died yet or not. Put that in the movie.

So dumb.

No comments:

Popular Posts