IF YOU SEE SWAMP THING, SAY SWAMP THING: SWAMP OF DREAMS

Hey, do you like superhero TV shows? Yeah? That's okay, I also often indulge in entertainment that's woefully beneath my intelligence. But are you a big fan of the 1990-1993 live-action Swamp Thing television show that was filmed at Universal Studios Florida and used to play late-nights on the basic cable USA Network channel? No, of course not, no one is, except me, so ...

In this episode, Swamp Thing gets hooked on drugs. 

He's a strung-out swamp junkie getting high on tangerine Jell-o iguana eggs. Not sure what else I could possibly tell you about this episode that could improve upon "Swamp Thing, who *is* drugs according to some canon, does some drugs that aren't him," but I'll do my best.

We open on Swamp Thing lying in what I assume is the swamp's equivalent of the gutter, surrounded by dozens of broken iguana egg shells, blitzed out of his cabbage. 

It appears that, while researching a cure for his condition (i.e. "muscular christmas wreath"), Swamp Thing has stumbled upon the powerful hallucinogenic properties of iguana eggs. What even led him to try iguana eggs in the first place, is my question. Also, I don't think hallucinogenic iguana eggs is for real, but I will not stop you if you decide to start housing iguana eggs in an attempt to figure it out. This is a no judgment zone. Just let me know if it works...

He's literally out of his gourd. 

While absolutely squinty on drugs, Swamp Thing hallucinates a dream world in which he is returned to his human form of Dr. Alec Holland (played once again by the handsomely thumb-like Patrick Neil Quinn), romancing on-again off-again love interest Dr. Ann Fisk (Janet Julian). 

Given a choice between living in this immaterial fantasy world built on his deepest desires, and the otherwise grim reality of permanently having a carrot for a dick (I assume), Swamp Thing understandably chooses to get real fucked up all the time without stopping.

There's a singing lobster somewhere trying to get these two to make out. 

His good pal, Will "Buzzkill" Kipp, can't stand to see his favorite fern make poor choices, and stages a spontaneous intervention in the mud pits behind the Universal Studios lot. 

When Swamp Thing makes the pretty convincing argument that "Nothing can be worse than to be condemned to living here, like this," Will barks back "That's garbage, man! I got friends who've been strung out all over the place! They all spout the same damn line!" How many junkie Swamp Things does Will know?

Will trying to get Swamp Thing into swamp rehab.

Will stomps some eggs out of frustration and storms out, unaware that a jagged (and sizable!) fragment of iguana egg shell is piercing his hand, pumping tangerine Jell-O into his system. Succumbing to the potent iguana hallucinogens, Will "crashes his car" (i.e. slowly pulls to a safe stop on a grassy hill) and passes out. 

Of course, he'll be fine --- so long as he's not discovered by a passing Arcane (and Graham) and taken back to their lab and locked in a tube so Arcane can analyze whatever drug is in Will's system in order to replicate it for his own burgeoning drug empire. BUT WAIT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS OH NO

"You're lucky I had an available tube."

Swamp Thing, out of eggs, blames Will for smashing his stash and shows up at the Kipp household, demanding drugs! Plus, the hallucinations are starting to come apart, with Arcane showing up to seduce Ann and a really hateful iguana appearing frequently, giving Swamp Thing the hairy eyeball for eating a whole generation of its offspring.

Did I mention that at one point Swamp Thing punches a whole iguana? Cause he thinks the iguana is holding out eggs on him? Like, real hard? The iguana is on the screen and then Swamp Thing yells and hits it and the iguana just flies an alarming distance at a shocking speed. I should've mentioned that earlier. Worst iguana-related violence I've ever seen on the USA Network. 

He's gonna slap Will like that boy's an iguana.

Will -- who was never shown experiencing any of the same kind of hot hallucinations that Swamp Thing had, and I'm grateful for that -- shakes off the egg-buzz, escapes from Arcane's tube, and makes a beeline for Ann's apartment. 

Breathlessly rattling off the absurd situation as currently known -- Swamp Thing's addicted to iguana eggs! He's wasting his swamp life! --  in the middle of the night after showing up to her apartment unannounced, Will nonetheless successfully recruits Ann for a follow-up, less-spontaneous second intervention in the swamp. Ann is very trusting.

Finding him returned to his swamp gutter, Ann and Will plead once again with Swamp Thing to get into Swamp Rehab, but not before Swamp Thing straight-up tells Ann a horny hallucination he had about her right to her whole real face. "We made love" he says to her, smiling like a green bean casserole that got dropped on the floor. Just awful. 

What does one even *do* in a situation like this? Punt?

Arcane interrupts the scene  -- to negotiate for a portion of iguana eggs! 

He'd previously taken advantage of Will's earlier unconsciousness by installing a remote control tracking/strangulation device in the sleeveless dope, so that's what he has to offer -- give him all the iguana eggs or Will gets strangled! I have no horse in this race.

Listen, why not just pick up your own iguana, Arcane? Get your own eggs! They're an invasive species! The state of Louisiana would thank you!

The standoff ends in Swamp Thing preserving the final egg, rescuing it both from his own greed and Arcane's Breaking Bad sideplot. He gives it to Will, instructing his sidekick to hide it and the iguana that made it somewhere that Swamp Thing will never find them (my suggestion is "not in the swamp").

One positive result of all of this is that Ann admits feelings for Swamp Thing, or at least his human side. Of course, she'd already acted on those feelings in previous episodes but, notoriously, none of Ann's episodes were ever broadcast in the right order. Someone here was on drugs all right. 

This iguana is now in the Witness Relocation Program.

Lastly, Swamp Thing leaves us with these wise words, as he sinks into the bog water: "No one is immune to temptation, not even me. But drugs are not the answer, they will only destroy you!" 

Well, it was no good for the iguanas, anyway!

"Drugs are cool. Do drugs."