IF YOU SEE SWAMP THING, SAY SWAMP THING: HEART OF THE MANTIS (???)

Swamp Thing, the bouquet garni of comic book crimefighters! From 1990-1993, late night on basic cable's USA Network, comics' big jicama was brought to life for the entertainment of potheads, people staying up late to leer at Rhonda Shear, and the unemployed. As these are my people, I find it's my duty to celebrate the wonder of Swamp Thing on their behalf, so ...

There have been a ton of surprising guest stars on Swamp Thing -- Heck, I'd be willing to weigh 'em! 

Ray Wise, who played Alec Holland in the 1982 Swamp Thing film, showed up as an alien one time, as a for instance. Post-Miami Vice Philip Michael Tomas appeared once as a reluctant ghost, and there was a welcome Tyne Daly appearance (as are all Tyne Daly appearances). Plus, not only did we have Terry Funk, but also both Kevin Nash and El Gigante as ancient Mayan sorcerers. Kari Wuhrer had a ten-episode run. 

But this episode -- hold on to your hats -- has Cheryl Hines in it.

(Poking around IMDB informs me that Hines, while attending University of Central Florida, also earned invaluable performing experience at Universal Studios in the role of the victim in their "Psycho" attraction, which is probably how she connected with this role. And speaking of psycho attraction, how about that fuckin' husband of hers...?)

There! Proof!

Before getting into this, it's worth mentioning that there's no references to mantises in this episode, in any way whatsoever. 

There's a telltale heart, but it's for a dead human being, not a mantis. There's no mantises on set, I don't think there are any in the crew. Maybe the director was a mantis. Maybe he was dating a mantis. Cheryl Hines is real lean and has real big eyes, and maybe she kills her husbands (hope so!), so maybe that's it. Anyway, my point being, I don't know where the title comes from. Got the answer? Write in and let us know.

Aaaaaand -- Action! 

Arcane visits the deathbed of his ailing mentor, Dr. Oliver Duncan (Richard Casey). Duncan is one of Arcane's nine or ten mentors over the course of the show, but he's the only one faking dementia! Why? To hide the secret of his terrible invention, which he fears will send mankind down an unavoidable path of destruction -- Cold Fusion, a thing which isn't real but I'm led to believe that, if it were, it would actually be quite good for everybody. But, then again, I'm no scientist feigning dementia on a show on the USA Network, so what do I know.

He's also made a functioning perpetual motion machine but he threw that out weeks ago.

Anton is here for that formula, but Duncan -- shaking off his dementia act with a fire-and-brimstone speech about Man's pride, greed and fallibility -- refuses to hand it over to anyone, much less the vile Arcane.

Later, in the middle of the night, Duncan dies -- through no fault of Arcane's. Nonetheless, everybody thinks he iced his old boss, including Swamp Thing!

When Arcane makes an effort to bust into the deceased Duncan's suburban residence in hopes of finding the formula, Swamp Thing makes a rare trip to the land of manicured lawns to keep an eye on him. Our hero looks absolutely bizarre on a lawn. I guess that's why they don't call him Lawn Thing.

Hiding behind a fern because he's shy.

What Arcane finds in his old mentor's home isn't the formula, but rather Duncan's step-daughter Louise Brenner (Cheryl Hines). Secretly, the MIT-trained Louise is here for the same reason as Arcane -- to rumble the joint! Instead, the two start putting the moves on each other, including setting a romantic dinner date, with the expectation that the other knows where the formula's stashed! (cue Curb theme)

Interrupting their mutual charm offensive is the occasional beeping of a hospital heart monitor that both Arcane and Louise hear, believing it to be the accusatory ghost of Oliver Duncan. It annoys Arcane, who has to reassert his rare innocence, and drives Louise nuts 'coz she really did snuff the old fucker.

Awk-ward.

Also interrupting things is Will, who shows up to do some basic handyman work. This is apparently another way Will earns his ham and eggs, in addition to the swamp tours and boat rentals. You have to give this much to Will: He'll do any job that allows him to sport bare arms.

I read it as "Goat Rental" at first, too.

Graham, the Marcie to Arcane's Peppermint Patty, tries to pull his beloved boss' head out for once. "Are you sure you want to embroil yourself in another romantic misadventure, sir?" he says, rightly pointing out that Arcane nearly gets murdered every time he spots cleavage. It must be his kink.

Graham is an angel and Arcane doesn't deserve him. Blunt, but fair. 

At dinner, Louise tries to milk Arcane for any fragment of the formula which he might have stumbled across as Dr. Duncan's assistant. For this, she tells him an insane story about how her step-father would console her when she returned from disappointing dates by sharing his latest studies in cold fusion. And Arcane buys it! He deserves what he gets!

The effort to shake something loose from Arcane's memory spirals out of control, and it's not long before Louise has a gun in her hand -- a sure sign that the date is going well! 

Dramatically, just before pulling the trigger and ending Arcane's life one episode too early to be convenient, Louise --- just fuckin' dies. She just has a heart attack and dies on the fucking spot. The end. That's TWO they're gonna blame on Arcane. 

Aaaand ... she's out!

Nah, I kid, the law in Houma lets you kill with impunity. They don't even question Arcane, they just come cart the body away and apologize for the interruption to his evening. You take care now, sir. 

Once the premises have been cleared of corpses and consequences, Will shows up to do some handyman stuff around the house, for the dead man. When Arcane once again hears the accusing heartbeat, Will reveals that the sound is, in fact -- a mantis! No, sorry, it's a fire alarm!

This is Will's moment, let's not ruin it for him.

Yes, that occasional beeping that both Arcane and Louise heard, believing it to be the accusing hand of Dr. Oliver Duncan damning them from beyond the grave, was a fire alarm that needed its battery replaced. How did neither of them recognize that sound? Or follow it to the closet? 

Anyway, you cannot believe how smug Will looks and sounds when he delivers this news to Arcane. He really rubs it in. "Uh, a fire alarm? It needs the battery replaced?" Will has never had a moment like this before in his life -- he gets to explain something to someone else like they're stupid! Finally, just before the finale! He really leans into it. 

Will, an actual idiot, also manages to stumble across the chemical formula for cold fusion. The whole time, you see, it was written on the back of a portrait of Dr. Duncan which was hanging right over the fireplace! 

Luckily, here in midday Houma, Louisiana, right after a murder, the fireplace had a roaring fire in it --When Arcane lunges for the portrait, Swamp Thing bursts into the room and orders Will to chuck the painting into the fire! Woosh! He does it! The world has lost the secret of cold fusion! Yay?

 

Quick, throw it into the fire! It's the chemical formula for sleeves!

Also, if you thought Swamp Thing looked weird on a lawn, you gotta see him in a living room. Carpet Thing!

Why, exactly, Swamp Thing -- inventor of a formula intended to end world hunger -- would be so damn eager to destroy the only written record of the secret to limitless energy is anyone's guess ... but then again what isn't in the world of (zoom in on Swamp Thing's eyes real dramatically) SWAMP THING.

"Your evil! Don't bring it here! Don't!"