IF YOU SEE SWAMP THING, SAY SWAMP THING: HEART OF STONE

 Superhero franchise television is a phenomenon (or was, anyway), but would there have even been an Arrowverse, a Netflix-verse, or a James Gunnverse -- if there had never been the original 1990-1993 USA Network late night Swamp Thing television show? Yes, absolutely, without a doubt. Nonetheless, let's dive into the adventures of a talking jicama who knows the evil men do, with...

I happen to be older than The Simpsons. I was just beginning college, in fact, when the show hit the air for the first time. Because of this, I don't automatically associate the combination of a harp sting and a camera shot of clouds crossing a blue sky with the long-running cartoon show -- No, owing to the plethora of television ads throughout the Eighties which used the same audio-visual gimmick, I associate it with toilet paper commercials. 

(musically) "The Swamp Things...."

Which is how this episode of Swamp Thing opens, and is generally about right for what the audience gets. But, for once, a television show opening on a shot of the sky isn't meant to get us thinking about Homer Simpson or clean anuses! Nope! It's instead meant to make us imagine game night at God's house!

What use is a sundial in a dark room?

The episode opens on a sparsely-populated Olympus, where Zeus (chief god of the Greeks) and Minerva (chief goddess of the Romans) play backgammon (a game I think was invented by the Persians?) while fucking around with the fate of mortals on the Earth below. 

Minerva (Judy Clayton), it seems, is still carrying a major mad-on for Medusa, the immortal Gorgon of myth. We discover, via a short clip, that Medusa is wandering around the American South disguised as a human, turning cops to stone. High five, Medusa! I'm on your side!

And so is Zeus (Jacob Whitman*)! The Greeks' biggest boi thinks Medusa has suffered enough over the last 3000 years or so, and is slyly sending a bunch of mortals to her aid. In response, Minerva peevishly unleashes her champion Perseus (a completely silent Sean Byrd) to pursue and punish the Gorgon, apparently by sticking her with a big sword. 

Did you ever read Freud on the myth of Medusa? It came to mind.

Perseus, who looks a bit like a 'roided-out Anton Arcane.

Unfortunately, one of the mortals engaged by Zeus to help Medusa is series regular Will Kipp (Scott Garrison), who is absolutely useless across the board. He loses a parking spot to Medusa (aka "Miranda Gordon," played by Cherie Heut, who has to do the whole episode in wraparound shades), and then is positively absent when a drunken Claude Akins-lookalike tries to assault her in an alley. 

Luckily, Medusa gets her assailant stoned --- LITERALLY. Also literally, he falls over and the stone exterior cracks and a big mass of concentrated snot falls out. It looked exactly like when they bust open a Dalek. I think he's dead now!

Here's the Claude Akins-lookalike, busted open like a man-sized plaster Kinder egg.

Around this point, Arcane becomes aware of Medusa's presence, or at least her power to fuck people up, stone-wise. The mad scientist, for some reason, craves this ability to petrify living flesh, possibly for lawn decorations. 

Meanwhile, Medusa -- as Miranda -- has shown up on Will's doorstep, asking if he is "the one." By this, she means "are you the person who will stab me to death, but who isn't Perseus?" I guess she doesn't like how Perseus stabs.

Will and Miranda suffer an immediate attraction, which is a fate worse than death on this show.

Will's a classy guy. A real catch.

Will prepares a luxurious dinner for the both of them, which turns out to be a lettuce salad, really full glasses of red wine, and a whole stick of butter (see below). 

And even though Miranda not only straight-up makes out with Will, but generally is climbing all over him (within the restrictions of the show), he obsesses that she calls him a "nice guy" at one point. And he is intent on making it her problem! 

"Guys don't wanna be called a nice guy, nice isn't what you wanna be called" he complain persistently as he washes the salad dishes. Will, keep it to your damn self, she just sucked your tonsils out, and she's Medusa. What more are you asking for?

Will, are you feeling all right? You've barely touched your whole stick of butter.

Meanwhile, Swamp Thing's on the patio, intent on keeping his good friend from getting sucked off by Medusa!

Miranda senses the big jackfruit's presence on the porch, and sics a magic snake bracelet on him. You wouldn't imagine that a snake could do much to Swamp Thing, but the wiry little guy really gets into his head. "It...caused me to see things I can't explain," he explains to Will later, "I felt my heart freezing up, in a death grip." I don't think you have a heart, Swamp Thing, I think you have half a savoy in there or something.

Swamp Thing Struggling with a Snake (unbroadcast Sesame Street segment)

While Will's outside for a moment, chucking leftovers at his favorite gators -- because he has class -- Miranda is confronted in the house by a fat hick deputy on Arcane's payroll. He's here to capture her and bring her back to Arcane's lab, where Swamp Thing's nemesis can extract from her the secret of petrification.

Unfazed by the deputy's threats, she rocks his world (metaphorically speaking), but not before rubbing his face in his mistake. "It's not GORDON," she says, correcting the deputy's earlier use of her assumed name, "It's GORGON," which is a line that works only if this fat hick deputy knows his Bulfinch. "A GOR-GUN? You mean thuh critter a'myth?" Personally, I think it's a longshot.

Miranda flees the house just before Arcane gets there, and has a chance to repeat the whole "Gordon/Gorgon" thing, right to the dipshit deputy's lifeless face. "It wasn't Gordon," he says, "You met the GorGON, deputy!" What a burn, getting told twice, even after you're already turned to stone. 

...and Will just walks by the rigid corpse like it's the least of his problems.

Everyone ends up in the swamp at this point, with Perseus -- shirtless and swinging a sword -- hot in final pursuit. 

Miranda drops her pretense as she confronts Swamp Thing, shoving a letter opener in his hand and pleading for him to kill her. As an incentive, she gives both Will AND Arcane the s-l-o-w- treatment, petrifying them by inches and threatening to fully stone them up if Swamp Thing doesn't give her the shiv. 

They really don't clarify why getting stabbed by Perseus is worse than getting stabbed by anyone else. I guess it's getting stabbed in a different way that matters, so Swamp Thing gives her to business end of the pigsticker, in what I guess was the perfect way to shank a gorgon.

Miranda with her sunglasses off. 

Swampy's murder wraps up whatever this episode was supposed to be -- a backdoor pilot or fever dream or whatever. Will is apparently also confused by everything that just happened, and he stumbles painfully through this absolute dogshit bit of utter nonsense that serves as a moral, more or less, for all the previous antics: "It's not enough that we can't escape fate" he intones like a drunk trying to apologize for something he can't remember doing, "It's sometimes fate can't escape who we are." 

Then Swamp Thing encourages this bullshit by saying "Wisdom from the student." Oh boy. 

Lastly, we return to Olympus. Minerva has stormed off, pissed that her big plans for revenge ended this stupidly. And Zeus, left with no lines or direction, simply stares down at the floor, where the Earth is supposed to be I guess, neither proud nor disappointed at the way everything turned out, simply nonplussed. Just another day for Zeus.  

"Lupita, no!"

*Fun fact: Zeus is Jacob Whitman's seventh appearance on the show in various roles. He'd previously played Simon the Freak Show Guy, General Sunderland, and a version of Mephisto that was also supposed to be Len Wein. How versatile! He's the Garret Dillahunt of Swamp Thing's Deadwood!