IF YOU SEE SWAMP THING, SAY SWAMP THING: ROMANCING ARCANE
It is a fundamental truth of this show that no romantic relationship depicted in the 1990-1993 Swamp Thing television series has anything even resembling chemistry ... except the one between arch-villain Anton Arcane and his leering dogsbody Graham. And the lack of chemistry is weird, because at least two guys on this show are supposed to be chemists!
Nonetheless, in this episode, Anton Arcane will be given a potential romantic relationship again, the last fifty or so of which have all ended in catastrophe for one participant or another. I don't even know how to describe how this one ends (it's very dumb). But first -- how it begins (equally dumb)!
Swamp Thing detects something wrong in the environment of his beloved mudpit -- stockpiles of chromium in the Arcane complex seem to be the culprit! He's given scant moments to ponder the problem before the shot jump-cuts to GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! Yes, it's babes in bathing suits showing off the fabricated emerald jewelry which is Anton Arcane's latest scheme to accomplish whatever it is he's trying to accomplish any more (seventy failed schemes in a row probably shakes a man's confidence).
Anton is hosting a launch event for his newly-manufactured emeralds -- cheap slabs of costume jewelry that we're told are indistinguishable from actual, naturally-formed emeralds despite the fact that they look like they're shoplifted from the bead store. This is just one sign of the utter contempt that the prop department has for the audience's intelligence, and there will be more.
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| Anton Arcane, dressed like a doorman from Star Trek, and Graham. |
Graham is very concerned about this fake emerald scheme earning the wrath of the Colombian government -- and he should be, because a guy with bad skin and a Miami Vice wardrobe (Jeff Moldovan) is mingling among the crowd of twelve-ish highly-mobile attendees at the event, repeatedly giving Arcane a death stare.
However, the doctor has his eyes set on Vanessa (Kristina Feil), allegedly a famous supermodel despite the fact that she's objectively got mid-range Redbook good looks, nothing personal.
Arcane approaches Vanessa with a pickup line delivered with the energy of an actor who knows that there's no saving this dialogue, but at least let's get through real quick. "If I were trite," says Chapman, wincing inside, "I'd tell you that you're as dazzling as my emeralds but, being who I am, I shall tell you the simple truth: You're probably the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
That the line works is a real testament to the fact that Arcane then immediately promises to give her some free emeralds.
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| Some piece of shit fake emeralds. |
Meanwhile, the threat of the Colombian government is established firmly as we suddenly jump to New York City (i.e. elsewhere in the Universal Studios stunt stage), to witness the final moments of Adam Martinelli, the acknowledged creator of the fake emerald machine. Martinelli (uncredited) is cornered by a Columbian soldier of fortune (also uncredited!), and dispatched in a staircase with a cheery "Relax, Amigo." If it lends the scene any texture, the actor playing Martinelli looked a little like Fred Armisen and the one playing the assassin looked like Matt Berry.
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| You see how I mean, right? |
And you know what happens after that? THE OPENING CREDITS. This was a lot of stuff to get through in four minutes!
Back in the swamp, the chromium at Arcane's open-air bog-side warehouse is really giving Swamp Thing the shits. He takes an open-air meeting with Will to determine next steps, but also to show off how good the Swamp Thing suit looks in full sunlight! It's not bad!
And Will's pretty confident about the whole chromium scenario, describing it as a "piece of cake..."
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| It looks really good! |
...At which point the scene then changes to a tight shot on ... a piece of cake -- A piece of cake on the dinner table where Anton Arcane and Vanessa are having a romantic dinner! Somebody's angling for an Emmy!
It's sure not the costume department, though! Arcane is wearing the same jacket he was wearing at the emerald show, and Vanessa has switched to a blazer and a K-Mart bra.
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| The cake, the bra, the transition shot. |
The newly-minted lovebirds' conversation wilts unerotically on a series of fascinating topics, like how hectic and thrilling it is to be a big famous supermodel and how they're really attracted to each other (citation needed).
Eventually, the conversation moves to steamier climes -- Arcane's lab!
There, he shows off the straight-up Lost In Space-ass-lookin' 18th century wood-firing stove where he apparently manufactures the fake emeralds. This is such a turn-on that he and Vanessa passionlessly crumple to the concrete floor right in front of the big metal eyesore to fuck, one assumes.
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| Another big "up yours" from the prop department. |
Meanwhile, Colombian soldiers of fortune have set up a shack in the swamp!
Their leader, Armendariz (Roberto Escobar) is straining relations back at HQ. During a phone conversation, he sneers in a frankly egregious accent "Listen, if they put a noose around your neck, I'll send flowers. Until then stay out of my way!" After a short pause, he adds "You'll be the first to know."
I really wanted to hear what the guy on the other end of the line was saying. He must have the patience of a saint, or he's at least recording this conversation for HR. It just doesn't sound like a good way to maintain a functional working relationship!
Armendariz also arranges to have Vanessa abducted, brought to the swamp camp, threatened, bugged, and then sent back to Arcane where she gives him the bug and then freaks out about having been abducted.
Actually, the first thing she does is walk in the room and say real loud "I SEE YOUR MACHINE'S STILL IN GOOD SHAPE!" I'm not following anybody's schemes any longer, I don't even remember why Matt Berry killed Fred Armisen, except that it frankly sounds like a good idea.
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| "What do you mean 'What kind of flowers?' Well, what kind do you like?" |
Torn, Arcane arranges to have Vanessa sent away, to protect her from the Colombian Soldiers of Fortune. He says he'll join her, at which point she declines, offering her reasoning for why they can never truly be together: "You're too much like me. Totally into your work and living on the edge. You'd never give that up for me. Neither can I." What?
Arcane tells Graham to see to it that Vanessa goes somewhere far away, which I bet he will. Graham hates sharing Arcane's affection with anyone, and he's not shy about mentioning it. There's zero chance Vanessa's ending up anywhere except one of those mutant work farms in Brazil where they dumped Swamp Thing's first kid sidekick, Jim.
Meanwhile, it's utter chaos outside the lab. The soldiers of fortune are attacking Arcane's facility, the guards are fighting back, and -- what the hell, why not -- Swamp Thing and Will swing in like it's the Great Outdoor Fight and just start wrecking the place. It's the first real fight scene the show has had in a while!
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| I'm doing Will real dirty by not showing the explosion, but he deserves it. |
Will runs down four soldiers with a bulldozer! Swamp Thing just starts chucking guys everywhere, or strangling them where they stand! Dick Durock was probably wheezing like a smokestack inside that vegan tofurky costume but he needed this, he had to get it out of his system.
In one impressive shot, a hand grenade sends Will hauling ass away from a cool explosion. This is only slightly marred by the fact that Will runs like a duck, and also that he falls on a big stack of chromium barrels and sends them rolling chaotically all over the facility. Swamp Thing grabs and chucks exactly one (1) of three rolling barrels and calls it a day. That's good enough!
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| HE HATES THESE CANS! |
After everyone without a title credit is dead, Will and Swamp Thing bust into Arcane's office with some real swinging-dick energy. Hey, they earned it! Also, Swamp Thing has developed "make a glow that opens a door" powers.
In a wrap-up right out of a Saturday Afternoon Special, Swamp Thing ponderously stumbles through Arcane's whole plan -- by leveraging the economic threat of fake emeralds devaluing the nation's major export, Arcane was trying to grab control of Colombia's rain forests, for his evil fuckin' experiments! Oh no! And he might've gotten away with it too if he hadn't left clues about that very thing all around his office.
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| "Well, whatever you do, don't go looking at the wall marked CLUES" |
Disgusted by Arcane's implied plans towards the rainforest, Swamp Thing chides him, "I represent more than the swamp," he explains, "I am of nature and in all of nature there is nothing more important right now than that rainforest!"
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| *SQUORSH* |
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| "I enjoy my work." |
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