IF YOU SEE SWAMP THING, SAY SWAMP THING: A REFRESHER

From 1990-1993, basic cable channel USA Network was the exclusive home to the live-action Swamp Thing television show, a late-night adventure program shot entirely on the site of the Universal Studios backlot in Florida -- and it looked like it. Was it a popular show? Was it a cult hit? Did it develop a diehard fandom? What do you think.

Loosely connected to the continuity of Wes Craven's 1982 horror adaptation of the comic book creature -- and spiritually connected to the 1989 sequel, Return of Swamp Thing, which was basically a bikini movie with car chases and a large talking kale in it -- the show was a spectacle of low-budget corn. 

All in all, there were seventy-three episodes of Swamp Thing. Up through February of 2019, this blog had reviewed 68 of those episodes. Right up through the one where a small boy became a large pirate with a paper hat and Swamp Thing became his surrogate dad and there was also toxic waste (typical plotline). 

Finally, it's time to wrap up the whole magilla, and cover those last five episodes. But, before diving in -- considering that this blog's last shot at the living salad bar was some time ago, and that the series ran a genuinely baffling narrative over three seasons -- let's have a recap:

The Hero:

The noble fir.

Set in Louisiana in the sleepy swampside burg of Houma (pronounced by various guest stars *and* regulars as "howma," "hoema," "hooma" or "hyooma" as the mood strikes), the demi-eponymous magic bog that surrounds the town is home to strange and terrifying secrets. A small sampling of these secrets includes hidden Mayan ruins, time-travelling Confederates, evil shadows, aliens, immortal weirdos, haunted pumas, omnivorous sock puppets, Universal Studios stunt performers in supporting roles, witches, several WCW wrestlers, a sort-of satanic Len Wein maybe?, and, lastly -- and most importantly -- both a mutant-making factory and a big lettuce wrap who hates it.

The healthy vegan option in question is Swamp Thing, the starfruit of the show. The big hunk of root vegetables is played by big hunk of beef Dick Durock, the only actor to have performed in both films and the television show. He's basically the George Reeves of radishes. 

Swamp Thing was formerly Dr. Alec Holland who, with his wife Linda, relocated to the swamp of Houma to work on a "bio-restorative formula." In the best-case scenario, the bio-restorative formula encourages plant growth on a scale capable of ending world hunger. Worst-case, it either makes you die or you have to wear the beet suit, forever. 

The Villain:

Anton Arcane and his shuffling dogsbody, Graham, in the middle of doing something innocent.

The worst case scenarios happen to Alec (beet suit) and Linda (dies) thanks to Dr. Anton Arcane, played by Mark Lindsay Chapman. Arcane, sometimes employed by the comics-derived Sunderland Corp and sometimes an independently wealthy mad scientist, hatches weekly plans to take advantage of the swamp, Swamp Thing, nature in general, or sometimes a rival scientist. While attempting to steal the formula from the Hollands, he accidentally blows them up, which will happen from time to time. 

Arcane boasts more than a few quislings and sycophants in his immediate circle, chief of which is his personal Igor, Graham, played by Kevin Quigley. Somewhere between Hunter S. Thompson and Jack Nicholson resides Quigley's portrayal of the fawning sidekick, and it's honestly one of the better performances in this show. Some of the show's best moments involve Graham's bromantic boss-ular adulation and desperate need for approval. He's relatable.

The Sidekick:

Will Kipp, exuding class.

Swamp Thing also has a kid partner, the rarely-sleeved Will Kipp, played by Scott Garrison. He's also relatable, mostly because he's a little dumb. Houma's most sought-after bachelor, Will often plays the romantic lead in a show which otherwise would have to give its love scenes to a lima bean. 

Will is also learning the secrets of nature from Swamp Thing, although it's hard to imagine how you teach "Getting exploded and becoming a broccolini" to even the most eager student, outside of a short and fiery internship. Oh, and sometimes plants come to life and beat the living shit out of Will, it's my favorite part of the show.

Other characters who'll pop up in the last five episodes include Will's stepmother Tressa Kipp (Carrell Myers) and Dr. Ann Fisk (Janet Julian), a scientist who has fallen in love with Alec Holland and is helping him regain his humanity.

In the beginning, Swamp Thing was a story about a hulking man-vegetable and his war against the mutant creations of Anton Arcane. In these upcoming recaps, Will Kipp will seduce a mythical gorgon, Arcane will learn an important lesson about the environment, and Swamp Thing will get hooked on smack. Whatever, just don't forget to NOT BRING YOUR EVIL HERE!

"The Universal Studios backlot is not zoned for evil."