Thursday, June 18, 2009

Atrocities of the Amazing Heroes Swimsuit Special 1992

Remember when I said there'd be tits? Oh, there will be tits, indeed. Prepare to avert your eyes if you're squeamish, or if you're sane. Oh, and get prepared to get really, really angry at this one guy a little further on ...

Just to start you off on something relatively harmless, we'll start with a fairly innocuous Tiny Toons "Babes of the Beach" illustration. Considering what would come later by way of the internet in regards to these poor animated sonsabitches, I can live with a little feeble cheesecake, never minding how disturbing it is to me personally to see cartoon animals covering their tits. Slightly worse than that? The guy in every internert forum who always has to make the point "How come the cartoon animal ladies don't have six tits, huh? Why, that'd be edgy" or "a turn-on" or "more realistic" or some goddamn thing that would you people shut up, it's a kids cartoon ...

Lest you think that the Amazing Heroes' Swimsuit issue was inevitably some mass of nothing but uncomfortable cheesecake, here's some awkward beefcake to put your mind at ease. Thanks to Paty Cockrum, I now have a decent idea of what it looks like if Magneto rubs his bare chest while kneeling solemnly in the surf. I like to think there's a tag cloud in my mind, and it's got words in it like "rubs self," "buck naked", "bare chest", "Magneto", "surf", "emo", and also I'm slightly proud that there's only a single result for those specific assembled results. Same goes for "Sandman", "buck naked", "sitting in front of spaceship porthole", "looking really perturbed that someone tore up his favorite black towel", "emo" and "surf".

Not quite to the tits, yet, but there sure is something overtly pornographic about this arguably non-pornographic picture of the singing dishware and title characters from Disney's "Beauty and the Beast". What is it about this Randy H.Crawford (get ready to hate this man, coming up) piece that screams "porn picture"? Is it Belle's kneeling posture, knees akimbo, in front of Beast's heavily-weighted crotch-bulge? Is it that fucked-up looking teapot drooling all over itself and spurting undefined liquids through its clearly dick-shaped nozzle up at Belle? Is it the goopy shit running off her right hand? Is it the look of discomfort and self-loathing painted across her face? Is it all these things and more? Oh, way to go, Randy H.Crawford.

By the way, wasn't the teapot a lady? Wasn't the teapot Angela Lansbury? Why is the teapot getting all goggle-eyed and gape-mouthed over Belle? There was clearly subtext in this movie I must have missed, and also I never did see this movie so I kind of missed the whole thing, it could've been a big cartoon gang-bang for all I know.

Well, here's a cheesecake pinup of Chic Young's Blondie which raises a lot more questions than it answers. As a for instance, that "half a baby gherkin" crack makes me believe that Blondie is kind of a castrating bitch. I never saw it in the comic strip, but hey, I'm more of a Hi and Lois man. Also, it turns out that Blondie hallucinates the fuck out of everything all the time.

Anyway, before we start getting our hate on for Randy H.Crawford, let's get to those much promised tits.

Well, here's a fuckin' "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh godamnit whaaaaat no way I mean come on no way jesus christ come on what the fuck jesus mary and joseph make it stop I taste blood" kind of moment if there ever was one. Not cool, guys, not cool.

Okay, ready to get your hate on? Good, because Randy H.Crawford's next piece will be a sort of appetizers to get your mouth watering to really really hate on a dude. Crawford is an hors d'ourve (literal translation: Whore Dove) leading up to a thematically-linked bit of loathsomeness. Like, ready? Okay. Question - what's pretty much the last thing you'd ever want to see and also a thing that is totally unecessary and also you kind of hate the guy who's find such a thing funny and/or sexy? If your answer is "softcore porn featuring the mom from Calvin and Hobbes", then not only are you right, but your answer is ...

Drink it in. Calvin and Hobbes dressed in lingerie and bondage panties. Calvin's mom's lingerie and bondage panties. Hey guys? That is the whole joke.

But wait! The speculative sex life of Calvin's parents is one thing, what about ... the explicit sex life of Calvin's parents?

Although I honestly think the Beauty and the Beast one is still grodier, I can confidently say about this image: Fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-uck you.


Unknown said...

'Beauty' looks a little like Amy Sedaris from 'Strangers With Candy'.

Jayson said...

Weep for the innocent.

You Have Lost The Game said...

...or in this case, seduce them?

Nice stuff. Now I must shower.

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