|This is the only cover I could guarantee was safe for work.|
|This is the best panel |
in the whole shmear.
The eventually sprawling superhero saga apparently got tired of all the teasing, which is why there was ultimately released a four issue all sex series of specials featuring the book’s four core characters and a couple tagalongs in assorted clinches. “Haven’t you ever wondered about the sex life of your local superhero?” asked the introductory text piece inside the front cover. “How long might a love session last? A week, a month, perhaps even a millennium? Wouldn’t you like to know what sexually motivates a man (or woman) of steel? How does a caped crusader satiate an uncaped sexual appetite?”
Those aren’t real questions, here’s some real questions: The fuck is an “uncaped sexual appetite”? And what kind of weirdo calls it a ”love session?”
The sex in the Elementals sex specials failed to sizzle, being as it was definitely of the softcore variety and densely written – and also possibly because some of the relationship stuff was pretty weird? I write those words acknowledging that one of the two core threads which ran through the books was the team’s water-based hero Fathom fucking a dolphin.
|Finally, a shirt nice enough to wear |
when you marry your pillow wife!
Almost every story featured pretty much the same variation on this theme – the man makes some sort of gross, inappropriate physical gesture. The woman rebukes him but – rather than reacting to what was plainly some form of sexual assault - then informs him that she’ll now be educating him in the proper way to make love to a woman. Then she services him knowingly and all his problems are solved. It’s “mom as fuck fantasy,” and it’s messed up.
Never moreso, one supposes, than with the team’s “Monolith,” a character eternally trapped in the body of a teenager who’s seduced by a double agent. But don’t worry, she falls in love with him halfway through the seduction, which marks the exact moment he stops being a fumbling virgin and becomes an expert lothario. In a later story arc, he loses his human emotion but she’s nonetheless personally fulfilled because he still needs her around to rub his dick now and again. I dunno man, it didn’t make me feel good for anyone involved.
Anyway, here’s a complete rundown of the actual fucking in the book: Fathom fucks a dolphin, Vortex fucks a sexy septuagenarian, Monolith fucks his mom’s hot friend, Morningstar fucks an inflatable wizard, Vortex fucks a mindless sex slave, Ratman fucks a zipatone sheet, and a walrus in a yarmulke fucks a porcupine. I think that about covers it.
|They'll get their heimlich maneuver perfected one of these days!|
The editor of the book also included a questionnaire for the readers and a plea for letterhacks to send in their sexual fantasies involving the Elementals (Also you could order a t-shirt depicting Fathom fucking a dolphin. Get in, kids, we’re going to the Class Store!). A few responses came in, but none came so close to showing a touch of dignity as did this one, before it veered into a cliff at the last second.
|Oh, so close Scott, so close...|
"Finally, a shirt nice enough to wear when you marry your pillow wife!"
Ohhhhh MAN I'm glad I already went to the bathroom.
There's an issue of hardcore Archie parody Cherry Poptart out there from the same period in which Cherry gets it on with a dolphin--and as a punchline, sets up a date between a female dolphin and her male human caretaker. I can't believe people ever thought this was acceptable "entertainment" or that legit bookstores would carry it. Sorayama could pass his occasional bit of beasty-stuff off as art, but not these guys. (And it's too bad, because I was just reminiscing fondly about Elementals--which clearly went to hell in a hayride after I lost track of it.)
But then I read this and now I'm damned to go to my grave knowing there's a documentary out there called Dolphin Lover. Eff. Em. El.
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