BATMAN LEADS AN INTERESTING LIFE : THE CAREER OF BATMAN JONES

But he's doing it a lot goonier so it doesn't count.

He's Batman Jones, the junior non-sidekick to the Caped Crusader! What is his puzzling origin? How did he come to don the mantle of Batman? Well, obviously, he's what happened when Bruce Wayne was brooding in his drawing room and his next door neighbors, the Joneses, threw their baby through the window. "That's it," he cried, "I shall become one of the Jones boys!"

Nah, Batman Jones isn't any particular ward, incarnation or offspring of Batman, but rather he's a child whose parents repay a debt to Batman (in Batman vol.1 No.108, June 1957, "The Career of Batman Jones") by naming their child after the caped crimefighter. Is it setting the boy a terrific hurdle considering the accomplishments of his namesake, or are they saddling the child with an absurd sobriquet by way of punishing him for his weakness? Only they can say, and I'm sure Batman Jones has snapped by now and murdered them both.

Remember this scene from Batman: Year One?

Jones grows to boyhood not only with Batman's name, but also some kiddy-wink versions of his accouterments. You see, evidently, when wealthy patrons and grateful victims want to repay Batman for his help in battling the forces of evil in Gotham - and lacking Batman's home address - they choose to send gifts of cash and Batman themed toys and clothes to young Batman Jones. I suppose they're under the misapprehension that the boy is Batman's protege, but it nonetheless smells like a really shady GoFundMe scheme. Plus, other parents must've seen this financial windfall hit the Joneses, prompting a baby-naming tidal wave of Batman Hernandez, Batman Dziedzik, Batman-Anne Lakhani, and so on. There would be whole graduating classes named "Batman," and one weird kid named "Swamp Thing Boztepe."

Anyway, in Jones' credit, he's a studious kid who takes his Batmannery seriously - so seriously, in fact, that he tries to wedge himself into an unasked-for third seat position amid the Dynamic Duo. Having studied martial arts, deduction and general forensic skills, Jones started sticking his nose into Batman's bat-business, and unfortunately for the Caped Crusader - Jones is GOOD!

"...Fuckin' piss myself. Why do you even HAVE this?"

Hell, he may be better than Batman and Robin. Or maybe any kid could fight crime is what we learn from this story, so why do we even need superheroes in the first place? Well,whatever the case, he's harshing Batman's buzz so the Dark Knight tries to murder him.

Bringing Jones back to the Batcave, Batman sends a killer robot thing at the toddler, only to see that Jones has figured out how to fling a batarang with perfect precision and hit the off-switch on the clown's back. No worries, thinks Batman, I have a hole cave full of other stuff to murder children with! I have a dinosaur!

Batman and Robin follow up by trying to permanently blind Jones and then throwing a net at him, but he literally avoids all that, traps Robin in the net and ties up Batman with his bolas (It's a bolas! I'm out of luck!). And still the Dynamic Duo try to think of ways to discourage the kid. HE'S GOING TO GROW UP TO BE THE WORLD'S GREATEST CRIMEFIGHTER, BATMAN. What the hell, is Batman jealous that Jones gets to be Batman too bu his parents are alive? He could take care of that himself, you know ... in the night.

Anyway, what happens is - just as Batman and Robin are acclimating themselves to the idea of a little kid doing their job better than they can - Batman Jones gives up Batmanning and takes up stamp collecting. Call him Stamps Jones, I guess! With any luck, he won't grow up to be a stamp-obsessed Arkham inmate constantly matching his superior intellectual and physical prowess against an increasingly helpless Batman! Fingers crossed!